I’ve witnessed numerous deaths in the family and/or clan, with friends and with a number of acquaintances … but none of those strucked me the way it’s now with Dad’s death, of course no need to expound and/or explain why it is, huh!
I was at work then, busy and all that crap … until the minute when I my mobile ticked and I was even excited to read the message – I don’t have any freaking idea that something’s going on in Manila. To my horrible surprise, it’s mom with the message: “Your dad dead. Hope you could come home to see Him. Relax ka lang.” WHOA!!! I will never forget that message, and I don’t wanna receive a message of that sort ever again … hell no dude!!! I immediately went to the fire exit to smoke my lungs out, to call mom to check on things … and yes, it’s true!!! The rest is history.
I can’t think of any aside from the fact that dad’s gone … tears are bottomlessly falling down my eyes. Kept my eye's view from afar, starring at no where. It’s a feeling that I don’t wanna feel ever again.
I arrived in Manila after a couple of days, from the airport I then rushed myself to the funeral parlor where dad’s body is currently at for viewing. I went to the coffin and starred at him, yes … it is indeed my dad! The truth finally sinked in into my system, the tears then followed. Excuse me for I refuse to expound more.
As the date of cremation is nearing, I have to prepare a eulogy. I did, I honestly did, but as I try compose everything I just ended up crying until such time that it dozed me off. Sunday it is, the day of the rites … 2 uncles gave their respective eulogies, my brother follows, then me … I read my “Father’s Day” letter to him, it was the one published in the Papers. From all the speeches I’ve delivered, from all the speaking engagements I’ve been to … the one for dad was the hardest I’ve ever done … I couldn’t hardly speak and it’s so hard to look at the people who were there with us listening – long faces of people from left to right, people crying from front to back … geeshh, I don’t wanna remember that scenario.
It is at the crematorium that I cried a lot. I felt so helpless, I don’t wanna let go of dad. I love him so much that I can’t afford to be far from him forever. I just want him to be there … I’m not ready for this … no, no, no!!!!! The reality is eating me alive and worse, I’m caught off-guard.
Dealing with this heart-breaking reality requires a lot of strength, acceptance and faith of course. At first, I thought I’ve got those three with me, but as day goes by, I realized that I’m just hiding all the tears inside me. I may look a-ok on the outside, people may see me smiling and cracking all jokes and spitting crazy ideas but to tell you the truth … I am not! I’m suffering the loss, and I haven’t moved on, not even a single step.
A lot of people envy me, but they shouldn’t be … they think I’m strong, when I’m actually not. I guess I just know how to keep my self sane infront of the public. I’m still daddy’s little princess, waiting for his cuddles and warm embrace to envelope me and I’m longing to see those set of hands to wipe my tears away … I’m just a gurl … a sobbing little gurl lost in the midst of the wilderness.
Now, I’ve got no other place to go but to live my life … to take every step from where it was left … yes it damn sad, worse I’m taking this journey alone – no cane, cratches or what so ever … just my own set of feet.
I hope I’d be better the soonest … in God’s perfect time I know I will … but for now, I know I have to experience this in order to be a stronger person.
I was at work then, busy and all that crap … until the minute when I my mobile ticked and I was even excited to read the message – I don’t have any freaking idea that something’s going on in Manila. To my horrible surprise, it’s mom with the message: “Your dad dead. Hope you could come home to see Him. Relax ka lang.” WHOA!!! I will never forget that message, and I don’t wanna receive a message of that sort ever again … hell no dude!!! I immediately went to the fire exit to smoke my lungs out, to call mom to check on things … and yes, it’s true!!! The rest is history.
I can’t think of any aside from the fact that dad’s gone … tears are bottomlessly falling down my eyes. Kept my eye's view from afar, starring at no where. It’s a feeling that I don’t wanna feel ever again.
I arrived in Manila after a couple of days, from the airport I then rushed myself to the funeral parlor where dad’s body is currently at for viewing. I went to the coffin and starred at him, yes … it is indeed my dad! The truth finally sinked in into my system, the tears then followed. Excuse me for I refuse to expound more.
As the date of cremation is nearing, I have to prepare a eulogy. I did, I honestly did, but as I try compose everything I just ended up crying until such time that it dozed me off. Sunday it is, the day of the rites … 2 uncles gave their respective eulogies, my brother follows, then me … I read my “Father’s Day” letter to him, it was the one published in the Papers. From all the speeches I’ve delivered, from all the speaking engagements I’ve been to … the one for dad was the hardest I’ve ever done … I couldn’t hardly speak and it’s so hard to look at the people who were there with us listening – long faces of people from left to right, people crying from front to back … geeshh, I don’t wanna remember that scenario.
It is at the crematorium that I cried a lot. I felt so helpless, I don’t wanna let go of dad. I love him so much that I can’t afford to be far from him forever. I just want him to be there … I’m not ready for this … no, no, no!!!!! The reality is eating me alive and worse, I’m caught off-guard.
Dealing with this heart-breaking reality requires a lot of strength, acceptance and faith of course. At first, I thought I’ve got those three with me, but as day goes by, I realized that I’m just hiding all the tears inside me. I may look a-ok on the outside, people may see me smiling and cracking all jokes and spitting crazy ideas but to tell you the truth … I am not! I’m suffering the loss, and I haven’t moved on, not even a single step.
A lot of people envy me, but they shouldn’t be … they think I’m strong, when I’m actually not. I guess I just know how to keep my self sane infront of the public. I’m still daddy’s little princess, waiting for his cuddles and warm embrace to envelope me and I’m longing to see those set of hands to wipe my tears away … I’m just a gurl … a sobbing little gurl lost in the midst of the wilderness.
Now, I’ve got no other place to go but to live my life … to take every step from where it was left … yes it damn sad, worse I’m taking this journey alone – no cane, cratches or what so ever … just my own set of feet.
I hope I’d be better the soonest … in God’s perfect time I know I will … but for now, I know I have to experience this in order to be a stronger person.
