another chance to us ...

hear i am, sitting infront of my laptop and blogging about this guy whom i met a decade ago, i'm pretty sure that this is not the 1st time i'll write an entry about him.

i dunno, but this time i'm much more surer of myself about him, this time i don't wanna let him go, this time i'm willing to be his girl and him to be my man. if he will pursue just like what he said earlier thru our exchange of text messages, then there's a big possibility that yes, it'll be us ... FINALLY!

let's wait and see, as of this moment, he's in subic with his family and will be back tomorrow morning. i'll send him a new year greeting later, hope he would reply, sana magcall sha, haha.

i'm crossing my fingers for this, i hope and pray that this time we're both sure of ourselves ... this is exciting, a long time overdue relationship is about to be given ANOTHER CHANCE! will we ever cross the bridge together? let's wait and see :)

happy new year to us all ;)

fine fine fine!! yes, i do miss him ... if that's what you wanna hear.

it's been a week now since i last saw the doctor. thing's changed since i started to give him a cold shoulder, then another blow a few saturdays back when i told him the reason why i'm so pissed with him .. but i came to his clinic last tuesday and we we're both happy to see each other, he invited me for lunch but i refused in order to accommodate other things on my itinerary. he gave me a call last friday, and last night, we were exchanging text messages, but i want more! i wanna see him, i really wanna see him ...

i know this is so unlikely of me, considering that i like him a lot, but would you believe that i never allowed him to held my hand, to kiss me hello and/or goodbye on the cheek, or even to hug me. he would always ask me for a "hello / goodbye" beso everytime we're together, or even to held my hand or he would sometimes say it aloud that he missed me, that he's happy to see me and gesturing his arms to hug him back .... but i never did so. the reason for this is that i'm afraid to have my feelings confirmed, i'm afraid to feel the electricity run thru my veins, it's weird and i dunno why i'm feeling like this towards him, 1st time to be like this, honest.

weird! really really weird, considering that he's not the 1st married guy whom i'm crushing, there's the hottest lebanese guy and the fiscal whom i kissed back after we've gone out for months ... but how come with him i am this hesitant? what's hindering me considering the fact that he's annulled? why am i acting this way? why am i pulling back myself on him? who is he? are my instincts telling me not to, or am i just being too paranoid?

questions. there goes another bunch of my questions. answers, there are no answers as of the moment :( now, how do i get the answers to my questions? will i get it by just sitting still or is there a need for me to let go of my inhibitions and let the universe do the rest?? sigh ...

my very own Sirius Black

if harry has sirius black as his god-father who loves him so dearly, i too have this god-father who loves me almost of the same level as my dad. it was only in high school that i learned that he's my god-father, he's a cousin of dad .. a younger cousin to be exact, and according to him, dad would often buy him a chocolate cake whenever he's around, he's dad's favorite younger cousin ... no wonder dad made him my god-father, and i thank dad for that.

i spent dinner with my sirius, together with tita (his wife), we had a fun and light night. it was really a bubbly night of laughter and reminiscing, towards the latter part, he said "you're always welcome to stay in our home, our doors will always be open for you". it strucked me and almost broke me into tears "of joy". i realized that though i may not be that much blessed with a mother's love, my father made sure that his love will be more than enough to compensate for what ever loss i may have .... and until now that love is overflowing and dad made sure that even when he's gone, there'll be someone from his end who will look after me no matter what, that there'll be someone out there who will remind me of dad's greatest love, and that will be my one and only sirius black.

he's the only god-father i know, though he came in late, it doesn't matter to me now, what is important is that he's here now and he's looking after me .... i know he's just a text away and i know he loves me like his own daughter. it's definitely not about the gifts he's giving me, just like sirius black to harry, he rarely gave harry a gift, except for the surprise broomstick, but the mere fact that i have a god-father in his person means so much, that he's such a loving god-father, tito and most of all, he's like a friend to me.

to my father, i know it was your decision to get him as my god-father, you definitely made the right pick. i love you soo much and i miss you so dearly.

to my dear sirius black, your love and so with that of your family is so overwhelming :) thank you very much tito for the shower of love and care! i love you.

9/26

relationship, not a requisite!

for the longest time i thought that a "relationship" is an essential requisite in order to love a person, but then i realized that regardless of the tagging and/or the title you have for that person, loving is possible whether or not you're together as a couple.

i realized that romantic relationships do come in different packages as well. what matters the most is you both know that the feeling is mutual, it may not be known to the world but at least both the concerned parties are aware.

once in your life time, you will find a person whom you will love so dearly that despite of all those humps and roadblocks love will prevail ... love will find it's way.

parted wondering

last friday, my class ended 5 minutes before 7, had dinner with a guy friend then went back to school for he has to attend to his 7PM class. i was thirsty for alcohol so i opted to stay in school and wait for my friends till they finish their class until i saw francis, yes The Francis! he was reviewing for his bar, then i said "2 bottles, game!", he gave in into my invite so we convoyed our way to this grill in district 1, qc.

at first we did our usual talks - law school, bar, miriam friends, politics, until i dunno how we ended talking about our past, yeah OUR HANGING STORY. here's a brief story of it ...

we used to be schoolmates way back MC days, we were even classmates in philo BUT we never spoke a word, not even a smile or nod, nada nuthin at all. we both know each other coz we've got a lot of common friends but still, the hell do i care, ive got no business with you. until early january 2010 when we exchanged FB messages that led to hours of conversation on the phone, dinners and drinking sessions. yes, it was just the 2 of us, some sort of a "date". we're both aware of our feelings for each other. he assisted me when i was filing my application to the institute, he even had a gig once during that summer and he asked me to watch him ... from 2 political rallies, i headed to metrowalk wearing marked a shirt for i no longer have the luxury of time to change and fix myself up, and yeah i made it to the gig, i was a little late though!

after that night, i got hell busy with campaign and he's busy as well attending to student council concerns, until i saw tagged pictures of him in FB, pictures taken in puerto galera with his ex! OUCHH so i told myself, enough with him and move on. june came and i didnt text him about my class sked, i just headed to school and go straight to my class, until i received a call from him asking if im enrolled, he met me at the school entrance and we went to the RA and he asked me to sit beside him. from that time on, we never spoke about what happened to us, not a single word. he would introduce me to his friends as his college friend and vice-versa. once in a while we would go out still, but still no us talks. until last friday ...

he told me he's still there! he told me that he even reached the point that it was already me over his ex but still he just cant do it for he's afraid things might not work out and he doesnt wanna lose me. he was hurt when i told him about popo and was hoping i would read between the lines for he wanted to say NO, but i didnt get it so i went on with popo. a lot has been said that night. i told him that i would often ask God who he is to me, only to find out he's asking the same. for me, francis is someone special no matter what .. and he knows that, and he told me the same. we are both wondering what's the purpose of this friendship ... we're both no ordinary persons to each other, but whatthahell why is the universe not allowing our love to prosper? he asking to spend the night with him, i opted to leave ... he said if one day we would have the chance to be in the scenario, then there'll be no backing out ... i said yes! we he embraced me and we kissed, and he said "d*mn the kiss is still the same".

he walked me to my car, it was a bit sad scenario ... we parted wondering "what might have been". while i was driving, he sent me a text then i asked, "what's this night for" and he said "only time will tell".

juaning

it was a rainy wednesday afternoon, classes were suspended because of typhoon juaning. i was in this coffee shop with a few classmates reviewing for school when i saw a friend with his brods - 1 looked like a lawyer from his get up. we did a li'l chat and went back to our respective tables. they went out to smoke and that's the time i had the chance to see the faces of his friends ... the one who looked like a lawyer seem to be cute, and so i sent my friend an sms, inquiring who the guy is.

me: who's the guy in white barong, he's cute huh!

friend: his name is _____, a brod. he finds you cute as well.

xxx xxx xxx

friend: do you mind joining us here outside, he want's to meet you. yosi break ka muna.

and so i went out to join them and lit a cigarette. he's single, he's cute and he's a young lawyer, PWEDE :) they left the coffee shop and later on, we left as well. we continued the chitchats thru exchange of texts, flirting galore!

from that day on, he would call me every single day; ask how i am, where i am, how's school and the usual flirting stuff. i found out that he has a son; 1 yr and 7 months, he's asking me not be unfair to him because of his son (well ........ that's another story). he asked if i'm a fan of relationships, he asked if i'm the jealous type. he also asked me if i've gone out with any of his frat brods -- of course, i said no, that's the truth. i was suppose to study in a coffee shop after class last tuesday, he doesnt want me to ... why? he doesn't want me to hang out with his brods in school ... why?

there are times he's acting like a boyfriend to me .. but he's not. i'm not even sure if i want him to be a part of my life .... i'm still not comfortable with the kid, actually it's more of the mom, and not the kid. if they're no longer together, then that's better. i just wanna be sure that if ever i would commit myself to him, it's for the right reasons and that i wouldn't be a trespasser. i don't wanna be a family wrecker as well, like duhhh, a super NO NO!

last wednesday morning, we had coffee! damn, it was such a surreal experience having someone in front of you giving you tips for your midterm exams ... someone you like and who likes you back.

oh well, i dunno where this thing is going ... i dunno what will happen next. for now, i just wanna enjoy whatever it is that we have.

to you, i'm looking forward to our next date ...

backbone

the more i get to see you, the more i miss you ... the more i long for you. but is there anything left for us to share? are we just gonna forever play mind games, read between the lines and dissect each posts?

you said you're moving on, but how come your actions are contrary to your claims? never the less, here i am, waiting in vain ... worse i dunno if there's a reason for me to wait ... yeah pathetic! we once talked about julia roberts' line in notting hill, and you asked me if there was ever a time that i uttered such, and i replied in the negative ... now lemme say it to you ...

"i'am also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to her"

(yeah yeah another pathetic move) .. pathetic it may be, but i'd rather give up my pride than forever lose you.

on the contrary, im thinking of rather placing you in my backbone instead of having you in my heart. why is that, it's for the main reason that if i once again place you in my heart, there's a chance of being wounded. but if i place you in my backbone, you will be my source of strength and it is because of you that i'm standing still ... you will be my foundation. no expectations, just the sincerest and the purest of loves, "love in the shade of blue". mushy as it may sound, but i know i'm making sense one way or the other.

i love you so much, and there's no doubt about it. if only i could turn back time, i know better this time. i dunno if you're my greatest love, i dunno if you're the one who got away ... but i know i love you ... i love you still, and you know that.

Langit ang Inabot

Gusto ko mang limutin ka,

Mahirap kung hanggang sa panaginip ikaw ang nakakasama.

Sa pag dilat ng aking mga mata,

Ngiti mo ang nasa isip ko sinta.

Sa tuwing nakikita ka,

Wala nang ibang nais kundi ang hagkan ka.

Kailangan ko na atang lumayo para makalimot,

Sa pag ibig na langit ang inabot.

Paumanhin sa aking gagawin,

Pero kung nais mong ako'y pigilin,

Wag mag atubili pagkat ikay di lilisanin.

Hanggang kailan tayo magpapanggap,

Sa mga taong chismis lang ang hanap.

Sa sandaling nakapiling ka,

Ako'y naging masaya.

O Diyos ko dinggin ang aking panalangin,

Na siya'y ibalik sa akin.

paalam

a poem by APSB, posted 21 July, 2011; around 11am on his FB account ........

Ok lang naman na di mo ko mahalin

Huwag ka lang mawala sa aking paningin

Napakalungkot kung ikay mawawala

Mundo ko'y wala ng sigla

Gayunpaman hiling ko sayo ay maging masaya

Makita at maramdaman ang tunay na ligaya

Sa puso ko ikaw ay nag iisa

Ng dahil sayo ako ay puno ng pag -asa

Ngayon pa nga lang miss na miss na kita

Gusto ng lumuha ng aking mga mata

Mahal na mahal kita aking sinta

Hanggang sa muli nating pagkikita

My Favorite Regret (Gigolo Aunts)

while i was driving my way to the family get together, i heard this song from the radio ... swak!!!!

Will you be my favorite regret,
Could I be your sweetest mistake?
Trade one step back for two ahead
Just a little time that's all
Don't be afraid to fall
This catch I won't forget,
My favorite regret.

Won't you let me chip away the stone
Are you really better off alone?
Won't you let your guard down one more time
Just like I've done mine
We'll look until we find something neither will forget
My favorite regret

My favorite regret

Will you be my favorite regret?
Cut the strings attached but save the thread
And I know your feelings are probably right
But just this once tonight
As you lay in your bed
Place a little on this bet
My favorite regret

Tonight

it's nearly a month since the day we broke up, but it was only last night that i really cried my heart out. it was so unexpected and i didn't know that i would cry that much for you ... i guess i really loved you and yes, i still do ... STILL!

Tonight (FM Static)

I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here...

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

i wanna transfer school ...

WANTED ISANG TAONG MATINONG KAUSAP!

(just like my dad ... sasabog na ko!)

:(

i went to work today wearing a white boyfie top, skimpy skirt, and a wedge ... a date outfit huh! i was planning to text this certain guy whom i used to date before i started law school (he's a lawyer), but then i remembered that i'm meeting this guy who i used to go out with sometime last year ... he some sortofa "courted" me but i just can't dig his music .. K-pop, whattha! hahaha

i was on my way, he was on his way ... he's late, he made me wait for like 2 hrs (thaf*ck!, goody i've got tons of things to do in the office), to make the long story short, i opted to call it off. one reason is time and the other one (which weighs more) is i just don't feel like seeing him ... i don't feel like going out with him ... have dinner and a few dwinks, nahhh, i don't feel like it. i may be mean for this, but i just didn't feel like it. not because i'm not ready to date yet, it's just the guy i guess. if it's gonna be "jerky", the lawyer, d*mn i can't wait to see him, hahaha!

oh well, let's see as to who the 1st guy i'll date after that sh*tty break up with popo ... ;) one thing for sure, it must be BEFORE the start school!!!!!!!!!!! haha :p

minsan ...

minsan sa buhay mo kailangan mo gumawa ng mga hakbang na labag sa iyong kalooban, minsan kahit ayaw mo pero dahil kailangan, gagawin mo. minsan hindi mo na nga alam ang tama sa mali. minsan kahit masakit, tatanggapin mo na lang ng pikit mata. minsan kahit sukang-suka ka na, sisikmurain mo pa rin. minsan dahil sa pera, minsan sa pamilya ... pero madalas dahil sa pag-ibig.

di ko pa alam, di pa sigurado ... pero sigurado akong gusto ko nang umalis. pero paano kayo, kayo iniisip ko ... mauulila nanaman kayo, ano bang meron sa inyo at iniiwan kayo? minsan na kong nalagay sa kinalalagyan niyo, alam ko mahirap at sinabi ko sa sarili ko na "walang iwanan". pero may mga bagay na hindi natin kontrolado na siyang nag uudyok sakin na lumisan na.

sana maintindihan niyo ko kung sakaling gawin ko nga yon. sana hindi niyo ko kamuhian sa desisyon kong lisanin kayo...

pasensya na, pero kinlangan ko lang gawin yon para sa sarili ko ... para maghilom ang mga sugat. pasensha kung pati kayo nadamay ...

inuulit ko, di pa naman sigurado. para sa mga hindi maintindihan kung ano pinagsasasabi ko, basta intindihin niyo na lang ako ... kainlangan lang talaga, para sa sarili ko ... patawad kung ngayon madamot ako.

in the deepest of shits!

love gives you the feeling of flying, love gives you a lot of reasons to smile ... also, love gives you that "hunch" feeling when things are on-going behind your back. for a month old relationship, things are supposed be on the sweety sweety moments but i guess mine was one of those who weren't blessed with such.

with the guidance of God, i know things will get better for me. as my friends say, "good riddance" ... im not sure if im ready to hear such statements .. oh well whatever it is, AJA AJA, i will conquer for i know i have Him in my heart and i know He listens and is just right on my side 24/7.

sigh, wish my dad is here ... dad i need your hugs and comforting words ....

the prayer

the prayer: dear God, please deliver me to someone who you think is worthy of me and of my love. deliver him to me if you think im worthy of this guy and of his love. this i ask in Jesus' name, amen.

we were strangers for the longest time ... though we're both aware of each others presence in school, no one ever approached the other, and no one even bothered to introduce us. During our victory party, we came face to face, sat beside each other and did a little chit-chats, but that didn't change things, we still went back to our old ways ... strangers!

during our oath taking as student council officers, we were busy

attending to our own worlds, but on the very same night we cracked the ice. we started making fun of each other over a photo, and that's how it all started. we went out with the group several times, until one day that it was just him and me hanging out.

... and one day, i found myself around his arms ... Alas, He delivered me to him, and him in my arms as well.

THANK YOU GOD!!!

fasting for APB

I remember sometime July I told myself that I don't think I'm ready to enter a relationship, with all those sh*ts from law school, nahhh I don't think so. It was then that I was dating this cutee guy, a real gentleman, a former TV personality ... we dated for quite sometime but due to the conflicts in both our scheds, it didn't worked out, it's all good though, we're still in touch :) Later on, I was introduced to this guy, this time a law student from AUSL. He's like 10 years my junior, he's cute and can relate to my present world (school), but then again since he's much younger than me, our wavelengths wouldn't meet; he's into these things, while I'm in the total opposite .. it's just law school that interests us both, no more, no less.

I was perfectly doing fine in my own little world - work, school, friends and home, until February 2011, when I was asked to run for student council, and so I did, it's a different story though. But it is then which opened the door for me and for this certain guy. We we're technically running under the same party, but we never got the chance to talk (was it purposely, I dunno), until the day the team went out for our victory party. We eventually became close friends in a snap .. people were shocked to actually see us talking and laughing together. He started to text me every single day and we eventually started having dinners and a few bottles together. We enjoyed each other's company, we were comfortable hanging out with one another; no pretentions, no what so ever, we were just being our selves.

One morning, as I raise myself from bed, I heard a voice whispered to my ear saying "marry him" --- DUHHH, as if we are together!?! A few weeks passed and I told myself that if we continue what ever it is that we are doing, I might fall for this guy. At first glance, he's not my kind of guy, na-uh!!! Yes, he's tall, but he's dark. He doesn't drive a car, and he's way different from the guys I've dated in the past. Yeah, he makes me laugh (literally) and I enjoy our sweet arguments and discussions, he's eloquent and he's smart .. still there are somethings that I can't take :( I did things that is so unlikely of me, I risk even my reputation ... now I'm confused, goody school is out.

Sometime last week, I asked him if we could "slowdown" a bit, he agreed and told me that he thinks that that would be better for me too since he's still dating someone (damn whatta jerk huhh). From that day on, we never spoke a word.

I miss him, a lot :( I started to pray and God gave me His words that I should pray for it. Gosh, I'm so lost, signs are vague ... I dunno if I should take his word and wait for him, or was he just crapping out with me when he said that. What about the Words of God, are they really telling me to pray for him and be patient on things, or is it just that I dunno how to discern? Sigh, I dunno. I have to get the answers out of praying, I've gotta do a lot of quiet time in order to decipher things. I've gotta apply the Christian way of getting answers from Him ... I've gotta fast, I'd probably cut down on my food intake, no red meat for the next few days, no alcohol and no cigarettes ... I've gotta discipline myself in order to hear God's voice. I know this will be hard, but I'd rather do this sacrifice and get answers than forever wonder what God wants me to do.

AJA AJA, I can do this, my questions will be answered. To end, always pray the Lord's prayer ...