The Victim

All the while I thought I was his love-child … but I guess all I thought was just a dream, a dream that never existed after all – a dream that never occurred even when I was a child. All was a fraud, everything was then a make believe … an acting!

Sad but true. I guess that’s how reality works, and YES reality hurts … so much!

I couldn’t think of anything to do, how to react and so-on and so forth … right now, what’s lingering my mind, body and soul, is that “I’m in so much pain, I’m hurting like hell.

But what is there to do, words were spoken and clearly heard … the damage has been done … I’m wreck with the truth … the truth that I’m not his love-child … I’m not his favorite … I’m not daddy’s gurl – I never was and I guess, I never will L

After all that’s been said and done, all goes down to one thing … there’s a victim … who else, ME!

Where is love?

Does it fall from skies above?

Is it underneat the willow tree

That I've been dream of?

Where is she?

Who I close my eyes to see?

Will I ever know the sweet "hello"

That's only meant for me?

Who can say where she may hide?

Must I travel far and wide?

'Til I am bedside the someone who

I can mean somethin to ...

Where...?Where is love?

Who can say where...she may hide?

Must I travel...far and wide?

'Til I am beside...the someone who

I can mean...something to...

Where?Where is love?

"pencil"

I would like to share this beautiful allegory with you. A pencil maker told the pencils five important lessons. 1st, everything you do will always leave a mark; 2nd, you can always correct the mistakes you’ll make; 3rd, what is important is what’s inside you; 4th, in life you will undergo painful sharpenings which will make you a better pencil; and the most important is, (5th) to be the best pencil, you must allow to be hold and guided by The Hand that holds you.

oh osCAR, my osCAR!!!

OsCAR ... My first car! I first drove him last Aug 23, 1997. Oscar, together with Winston and Miguel are my best buddies - rain or shine ... no matter what .... count them in, they're always there for me.

Oscar was there during my college days and early yuppy days. I've cried and laugh with him for a lot of times, he met my friends, crushes and four of my X-BF's.

Yes, I've experienced some bumps, but I tell you, they were ALL MINOR bumps. No major car accident. That's how much OsCAR cares for me ... and that's why I so love OsCAR.

But OsCAR's gone now ... he was carnapped last August 22, 2004, along Panay Ave., QC. I parked Oscar at a friend's condo., the moment we got back (after a few hours), Oscar was gone.

I tell you, it was a traumatic experience. I was strucked for almost a month, I was wrecked!! .... I miss OsCAR ... so much! If only i could get him back (but I doubt it!).

Note: I just got the pic from the net, that's not Oscar, but of the same make.)

Mothers … Mothers … My Mother!

How’s your relationship with your mom? How much do you love her? Sigh, if I were to answer that question, I’d say … uhmmm, we’re not close at all. We don’t have the usual mother-daughter bonding, we often clash … we have a lot of differences and we don’t agree to a lot of things. But yes, I do love her … still, she’s my mom.

Ever since I was a kid, mom and I often fought. I want this but she wants that, worse sometimes she wants nothing, haha! She’s the authoritative kind of parent. She remembers every mistake, every fault, etc., apologies said and done, still everything is very much retained on her memory. Every time we argue, every issue is again being tackled and discussed … sigh, unending issues … we’re just going around circles! Grrrrrr

Honestly, I can’t remember an instance where she became proud of me! I never heard a story from any of her friends saying that my mom was so happy of me because of this and that. I know for a fact that she’s always on-the-go to share stories about my failures, shortcomings and / or anything that she’s against of.

She even thinks that I’m a slut, a drug user, a hooker, etc. Imagine hearing those words from your OWN mother …. Ha! OUCHHH!!!!!

What’s ironic is that, my grandparents and all my relatives loves me so much (esp, the ones on my maternal side). They see me as a good person, while my mom doesn’t, or maybe she just pretends to be blind. Every time I visit my grandparents and/or relatives, I get praises and all … they so like me.

I sometimes confide to my grandmother (mom’s mom) and to my aunts (her sisters) and they do understand where I’m coming from. They too have some issues with my mom. Now, I keep asking myself, is the problem with me, or is it with mom? I always try to be fair and unbiased when I ask myself that question. I always turn-on my “understanding heart” every time I encounter a battle with mom. Though it really really hurts, I just let it go … I’m used to it. Mom’s day wouldn’t be complete without her scolding at me … hahaha!

Above all, I’m hurting, I’ve always been, and I guess I’ll always will … sad but true … I just have to accept the reality of life, that’s the way it is!

DISTAS 2005

Greetings to all!

First and foremost I would like to congratulate the Rotaract Club of South Triangle, Rotaract Club of Balingasa and the District 3780 District Officers on the success of this years Rotaract District Assembly.

I'm pleased to extend my heartfelt wishes not just to this years Distrcit officers but to all the Rotaract officers and members as well. With such a little guidance from our beloved governor, Gov. Benjie Bacorro, and from our own mother clubs, I'm confident and proud to say that we, the youth of today cold possibly carry out and take part in this years R.I. theme: "Service Above Self". With enthusiam at one hand and generosity on the other, I tell you ... "together we will make a difference".

I, together with our ever-loving mother club, RC South Triangle, wishes the very best of God's unending blessings.

Mabuhay ang Rotaract, Mabuhat ang Rotary ... Mabuhay tayong lahat!

Yours in Rotary,

PP ~star~

2005 DISTAS Chair - ST RAC

The ESP Test - Psychic Strength

Just a few minutes ago, I took this on-line test regarding "psychic abilities" ... here's the result:

Star, when it comes to psychic abilities, you have an unusually strong talent in the area of Precognition
This means you have an uncanny ability to look into the future and know ahead of time what is going to happen. You might, for instance, simply know that you're going to get that job before the interview even happens with a certainty that exceeds what you would expect to have simply knowing the facts of the situation. You might have a sense of dread before going out for the evening only to later have a flat tire on your way home. These little hunches are easy to ignore but for you especially, quite often lead to a true prediction of what is going to happen. These predictions can be used to generate positive outcomes, and the more you know about how to use your talent, the more you will be able to distinguish between fantasy of the future and an actual reality you are seeing happen, before it has actually happened. While your strongest psychic talent is Precognition, Tickle also analyzed your psychic strengths in:

~ Retrocognition: The ability to know what happened in the past.
~ Clairvoyance: The ability to "see" the unknown.
~ Remote viewing: The ability to see physical objects at a distance.
~ Telepathy: The ability to tune into others' thoughts.

@ Tapika ...

Last Friday, the barkada headed to Tapika to celebrate BlueBoy’s birthday (a post Birthday celebration though). We we’re all there, complete with their wives – hahaha!
We had sooo much fun! We we’re continuously laughing and tossing our drinks, not to mention that we really enjoyed U-turn's gig - they're damn good! Applause-Applause to Richard, Terry, Bam & Jay!

I so love my friends, especially these group, it's beacuse they accepted BlueBoy as who he is, he didn't judged them for being gay! They love him as they love me! I'm so touched with those deeds which shows they're concern for BlueBoy :) . They even text each other once in a while, cool huh! BlueBoy on the other hand loves my friends as well, he blended well with my other group of friends. They're chums now!

Going back to Tapika, we had BlueBoy pose with each and every member of U-turn, which made him so kilig especially the one with Richard (we both fancy Richard, hahaha!). Seeing BlueBoy's smile, huge smile was really nice. His eyes were twinkling - just a proof that he was really enjoying the night!

Later that night, or should I say ... later that early morning, we met up with two more friends to eat shawarma at Mr. Kebab. Not to mention that BlueBoy also fancies this certain guy who's also our friend! hahaha ....

To BlueBoy 'can't imagine life without you! you're my fashion consultant, my love advisor and mentor, you're my buddy, my confidante, my all time - all season friend!! ... Happy Birthday dude!

Open Sesame!

I always have, and I always will ... LOVE YOU!
miss u baby!

.... Message Sent
16-Aug-05
10:53:57 PM

I miss him so much ... Sigh, he's in Baguio right now doing a quest!

Last Saturday we went out, we stayed at Yellow Cab (Visayas Ave.) with a friend. It was so funny coz John left the car keys inside his car, we were so bothered as to how we would be able to retrieve the said key, the guard on-duty were already helping us together with a couple of waiters... still no luck! After a while, a customer approached us and offered to help. It was also that moment that John remembered that we're all psychics, we could try practicing some psychic stuff in order to open the door ... so I did (John & Mon didn't do it). I went to the passenger's door, did my trigger and so with "projection", but of course a waiter was with me then ... ALAS the door opened!

I know my projection did worked, but that's not my main concern, what's important is that we were able to enjoy the rest of the night eating, conversing, smiling and laughing!

miguel & winston :)

Meet my two best buddies ...

Miguel and Winston ...

Rain or shine, you could always count on them ...

Be it here, there and/or everywhere, they'll be there!

From smiles to cheers, to sadness and tears

There they were, always tossing a drink with me!

... kampai!!! ...

OUR barkada (not yours)

It all started last February 2005 when three gorgeous ladies decided to meet up and have coffee at Starbucks, The Loop. They eventually headed to Quatro Bar to meet some guy friends, and before they knew it … BOOMMM!!! A new barkada was born!

The barkada started with two gurls and three boys. Four of its members are residing somewhere in Commonwealth, QC, while the other one is from Malabon. For these peeps, distance doesn’t matter! No gender issues among them, considering one of its members is gay. What matters most to these five young professionals are beer and a pack of yo – with that on the table, they’re all good!

The barkada grew bigger after a few weeks, everybody’s welcome anyways! They met almost every day, go on gimmicks every Fridays and Saturdays, and sometimes even on Sundays after hearing Mass. It also gave birth to a numerous house parties where you could bring a friend/s. They've gone as far as Subic in the North and Tagaytay in the South. Talking about the Tagaytay thingy, whoa dude! Whatta trip! Hahaha :-D

Come may 2005, something unespected happened … someone they thought was cool joined the group, at first she was pretty a-ok, she mingles well with the group and in fairness, she’s also a good hostess for house parties. But something went wrong towards the end of that month … something which caused the barkada’s breakage!!!

WHOA!!!! ….

Honestly speaking, the original members of this barkada felt really bad for what happened. They were the ones who started everything and now just because of this gurl, everything was gone … worse, she took the other peeps with her.

“fine, you can have them all! for we know that in time the truth shall prevail …”
(strong words huhh! read between the lines ... )

True enough just after a couple of days, one of the guys went back to the “ousted” original members. Another guy called to one of the gurls just a few days back, confiding his issues with the “so-called barkada”.

“HA!!!! What’s going on with you guys, we left na nga and now you’re telling us that something more worse happened?! WHOA!!!!” :)

Now, the “biggest” thing is that this main guy who has a big role in the "so-called barkada" gave this “ousted” gurl a phone call, asking for gimmick and stuff! …

“Like DUHH, why are you calling me, when you’re supposed to be with her?!? Again, what’s going on?!??? Is this the time when you all realize that it is really with US that you all wanna be with, and not with her instead???”

“ang saya!!! i love this ….”

Hogwarts, here I come :)

Tomorrow's gonna be an exciting day for me ... I'm sure it'll be fun! Hogwarts School of Withcraft and Wizardy, here I come! Yup, I enrolled at this paranormal school, and school starts tomorrow, 1PM! :-D

>> seven <<

God made the world in six days and rested on the seventh. The rainbow is composed of seven wonderful colors (ROYGBIV), we have seven seas and seven continents, so as there are also seven (main) chakra points in the body. So now, what is it about the number Seven? No matter what it is, here are seven RANDOM thingies about me.

And oh, don’t worry I’ll be doing a research about what’s the big fuss behind the number SEVEN.

Seven Unknown Facts About Me
1 I’m a writer
2 I’m not as tough as I may seem
3 I’m into paranormal stuff, and I love it (I love my pentagram pendant and my black

crystal bracelet)
4 I’m the jealous type (esp with my dad)
5 I wanna be a Royalty; a Princess. A real Princess so I could mix and match a luxury
and a fancy life, be a public figure wherein I could live in mystery as well, and most
of all, enjoy the glamour of life and serve the people.
6 I have a sister
7 I don’t mind dying now

Seven Things That I Fear Most
1 Failure
2 Rejection
3 Heavy rains (and everything that goes with it)
4 Lossing my parents (esp my dad)
5 Lossing a loved one (partner)
6 Reptiles and Amphibians
7 Find out that I have a calling, (hahaha!)

Seven Guiding Principles
1 No matter how bad a memory of something is, it still enriched you as a person.
2 Just look at the brighter side of it.
3 Face your fear and follow your curiosity.
4 It’s the thought that counts.
5 Thy will be done!
6 Always be ready to face the consequences of your action … Thou shall have no
regrets!
7 Death is death! When it’s your time, no matter what you do, no matter where you are
there’s nothing you could do about it. It is only God who could do something about it.

Seven Dreams (Things I Wanna Do Before I Die)
1 Ride an ambulance :-)
2 Get hospitalized :-D
3 Sleep for days and have a near-death experience ;-)
4 Do extreme sports, ie. Bungee jumping, etc
5 Drive a war tank (the one whose wheels are chains)
6 Meet Mr Right
7 Marry and start a family with Mr Right

Seven Things I Enjoy The Most
1 Day dreaming and staring into the night sky
2 Working
3 Modelling
4 Reading books and Cosmo mag (and the Bible)
5 Munching Pringles’ cheezums and Ruffles (cheddar and sour cream flavor)
6 Doing psychic quests and stuff
7 Being with friends and/or BF (if I have one)

Seven Crushes
1 Ben Affleck
2 Paolo Montalban
3 John Joe Joseph (MTV VJ)
4 Peter Anthony Abaya (DOE USec, an acquaintance)
5 Bong Suntay (Former QC Councilor, a good friend as well)
6 JPDD (A friend who’s also into politics)
7 Cons Ong (An entrepreneur friend)

Seven Things That Attract Me Most to the Opposite Sex
1 Eyes. Those expressive chinky eyes will definitely drive me off my feet.
2 Teeth, Lips and the SMILE. A good set of teeth (no false teeth pls) accompanied by thin
red lips and a killer smile … WHAPAKK!
3 Height, Physique & Other Physical Attributes. Tall, lean and neat … that’s it!
4 Eloquence. You must a very good conversationalist. I'd love to be able to “speak” to
you about anything and everything under the sun and the moon for hours, and after
that good conversation, you must leave me smiling for I just spent those past few
hours well.
5 Self-confidence and PR skills. You must know how to carry yourself. A good PR not
just to me is definitely a major plus.
6 A balance between toughness and be gentleness. I think that needs no further
explanation.
7 A combination of elegance and simplicity! Again, I think that needs no further
explanation.

.:: new template ::.

It's pretty obvious isn't it ... I've got a new template! :-) Well this is all because of the thing that made me feel upset the whole day ... I simply have to divert my attention in order to forget and not dwell on the issue that's been bothering my mind and heart (the most) ...

I guess this is it ... ciao then!

mending a broken heart ...

i've spent almost the whole day here in my room. the only time that i left my room was when i ate lunch and dinner, no more no less. i locked myself up here in the room, lights off - i lit a candle, radio on and i turned off my landline's ringer - i just dont feel like talking to anyone ... all i wanna do is to be alone, contemplate on things, stare at the candle's wick, and smoke my lungs out!

here are two songs which i find very applicable to my present situation ...

IS THERE SOMETHING

~ Christopher Cross ~

Lately I see clouds of sorrow in your eyes

Some deep sadness you can never quite disguise

Now I'm scared to ask what it's leading to

But I'm more afraid of not asking you

Is there something that you want to tell me

Is there something that I ought to know

Are we something that's still worth fighting for

Or should I simply let you go

Is there something I can do to reach you

Are we something more than history

I'll find some way to convince you to stay

If you just tell me honestly

Is there something left of you and me

You've got secrets you've been keeping for too long

And I'm going crazy acting like there's nothing wrong

I can taste the truth every time we kiss

And I can't go on

At least not like this ...

I don't want to lose you

But what's the use of holding on

I don't really have you

If the feeling's gone

Is there something I can do to reach you

Are we something more than history

If there's no way to convince you to stay

And be the way we used to be

Then there's something that I want to tell you

And I want you to believe it's true

We had something that I'll never forget

Even if I wanted to

'Cause part of me will always be with you

here's the second song ... actually this song was being played over the radio while i was talking to him last nyt, this made me burst into tears more ...

Was It Something I Didn't Say Lyrics

~ 98 Degrees ~

Spending another night alone

Wondering when I'm gonna ever see you again

Thinking what I would give to get you back baby

I should have told you how I felt then

Instead I kept it to myself, yea

I let my love go unexpressed

'Til it was too lateYou walked away

Was it something I didn't say

When I didn't say "I Love You"

Was it words that you never heard

All those words I should have told you

All those times, all these nights when I had the chance to

Was it something I didn't say

Always assumed that you'd be there

Couldn't foresee the day you'd everbe leaving me

How could I let my world slip throughmy hands baby

I took for granted that you knew, yea

All of the love I had for you, yea

I guess you never had a clue

'Til it was too late

You walked away

All the words were in my heart

They went unspoken

Baby now my silent heart is a heart that's broken

Shoulda let you know you're the one I needed near me

But I never let you hear me

im hurting ....

have you ever loved a person less than you should? yes you do love him but you were just too afraid to show him that you love him that much because you're afraid to get hurt, and because of that, you made him slipt your hands?!

goshhh!!! it so damn hurts, i thought with me holding back my feelings and showing him just a little love will help me go through this as tough as i should ... that i wouldn't be crying over him when the time comes. i showed him love at the level he's showing his ... it's like im just returning what he's giving me, im just giving him a taste of his own medicine.

but i was wrong, i was so stupid to let him fall for another gurl, come to think of it he was already into me, i was just to busy and was preoccupied then, that's why i gave him less love and attention.

now that he told everything that's been going on between him and the gurl, im so freaking hurting, it made me burst into tears twice.

how could i be so stupid?!? why did i allow things to happen right under my nose? why did i love him less when i know i should have loved him the way i should?

sigh ... i dunno ... im so out of my mind ...

to you john ... i know you dont feel the love in the real sense of it. as what you've said, im just pure talk but no action. i dont know if you'll still believe me when i say i love you ... but i do, i really do! i know what i did, i know i have alot of short comings, i know i didnt prioritize you ... my bad ... thanks for accepting my apologies!

let's just wait for what tomorrow brings, let's see what's instore for both of us. but this i promise you, i'll make it up to you ... i'll show and give you not just plain love but INFINITE LOVE in the real sense of the word. life's too short, if i wouldnt be able to fulfill my promise in this lifetime, i tell you this ... i'll find you in the next, and make sure that by that time i'd be able to. i love you baby!

Birthday Wish List

Calling all you generous peeps, here's a list of what I want for my birthday ... it's nearing ... my birthday is just around the corner! :-D any gift would do!

BTW, pls show this list to others, they might be having a hard time thinking of what to give me as well, hahaha (dream on).

IPOD Mini (the PINK one pls)

SONY DVD Camcorder

Lacoste Mystere Buckle Multi

Polo hand bag (this one)

Ralph Lauren COOL

Harry Potter 1-3 DVD Collection

Harry Potter Collectible Wands

There you go peeps, now you're free to choose! ;)

Knight in Shinning Armor

I love this guy, I dunno why ... I just love him ... and he knows that! 'Love you baby!!! :-D