fine fine fine!! yes, i do miss him ... if that's what you wanna hear.

it's been a week now since i last saw the doctor. thing's changed since i started to give him a cold shoulder, then another blow a few saturdays back when i told him the reason why i'm so pissed with him .. but i came to his clinic last tuesday and we we're both happy to see each other, he invited me for lunch but i refused in order to accommodate other things on my itinerary. he gave me a call last friday, and last night, we were exchanging text messages, but i want more! i wanna see him, i really wanna see him ...

i know this is so unlikely of me, considering that i like him a lot, but would you believe that i never allowed him to held my hand, to kiss me hello and/or goodbye on the cheek, or even to hug me. he would always ask me for a "hello / goodbye" beso everytime we're together, or even to held my hand or he would sometimes say it aloud that he missed me, that he's happy to see me and gesturing his arms to hug him back .... but i never did so. the reason for this is that i'm afraid to have my feelings confirmed, i'm afraid to feel the electricity run thru my veins, it's weird and i dunno why i'm feeling like this towards him, 1st time to be like this, honest.

weird! really really weird, considering that he's not the 1st married guy whom i'm crushing, there's the hottest lebanese guy and the fiscal whom i kissed back after we've gone out for months ... but how come with him i am this hesitant? what's hindering me considering the fact that he's annulled? why am i acting this way? why am i pulling back myself on him? who is he? are my instincts telling me not to, or am i just being too paranoid?

questions. there goes another bunch of my questions. answers, there are no answers as of the moment :( now, how do i get the answers to my questions? will i get it by just sitting still or is there a need for me to let go of my inhibitions and let the universe do the rest?? sigh ...

my very own Sirius Black

if harry has sirius black as his god-father who loves him so dearly, i too have this god-father who loves me almost of the same level as my dad. it was only in high school that i learned that he's my god-father, he's a cousin of dad .. a younger cousin to be exact, and according to him, dad would often buy him a chocolate cake whenever he's around, he's dad's favorite younger cousin ... no wonder dad made him my god-father, and i thank dad for that.

i spent dinner with my sirius, together with tita (his wife), we had a fun and light night. it was really a bubbly night of laughter and reminiscing, towards the latter part, he said "you're always welcome to stay in our home, our doors will always be open for you". it strucked me and almost broke me into tears "of joy". i realized that though i may not be that much blessed with a mother's love, my father made sure that his love will be more than enough to compensate for what ever loss i may have .... and until now that love is overflowing and dad made sure that even when he's gone, there'll be someone from his end who will look after me no matter what, that there'll be someone out there who will remind me of dad's greatest love, and that will be my one and only sirius black.

he's the only god-father i know, though he came in late, it doesn't matter to me now, what is important is that he's here now and he's looking after me .... i know he's just a text away and i know he loves me like his own daughter. it's definitely not about the gifts he's giving me, just like sirius black to harry, he rarely gave harry a gift, except for the surprise broomstick, but the mere fact that i have a god-father in his person means so much, that he's such a loving god-father, tito and most of all, he's like a friend to me.

to my father, i know it was your decision to get him as my god-father, you definitely made the right pick. i love you soo much and i miss you so dearly.

to my dear sirius black, your love and so with that of your family is so overwhelming :) thank you very much tito for the shower of love and care! i love you.