trial before judgement ...

before going to bed last night, i prayed to God and asked him to give me a concrete sign with regard to a certain guy, whether or not i shall move on and proceed to the next page or wait for things to unfold. i woke up around 10am and as part of my morning routine, i turned on my laptop, checked my email and checked out my FB page. to my surprise i saw a picture of him together with a girl, and that pissed me off .. BIG TIME. it ruined my day and my bad words meter reached it's limit for i kept on repeating the PI word. i was so damn pissed until around 9.30pm when he sent me a text, asking how i was. i pretended to be fine and even started asking him questions regarding other matters. but he insisted on asking how i am, until he finally blurted it out that he sensed that things aren't doing well on my mind that's why he sent me that message to check on me (sweet). i told him the truth that there's this 1 thing that's bothering me, but of course i didn't tell him what exactly it is. rather i focused on the idea that since he's a bit sensitive about other people's feelings which he could actually feel (if he's not lying), i told him that he has psychic abilities, he's an empath that needs more practice in order to get the precise reading.

with that psychic ability of his, i freaked out since i'm not ready to be read by other people aside from my dad who often feels me and so with my psychic friends (given). i told him i should start putting protection on myself for him not to penetrate me (though i know he's doing it subconsciously), OR, i shall distance myself from him ... which with the matter that pissed me off is not far from happening. he asked me why do i have to distance myself from him, i answered his question and he gave me a reply saying, "dont distance yourself from me pls". the exchange of texts went on for a li'l while more, until it finally ended.

reading back our exchange of text messages and contemplating on my prayer last night, God gave me a concrete answer indeed. i heard it straight from the horses mouth, "dont distance yourself from me pls". for this, i wanna apologize to God for all those silly things that i've said earlier, for concluding right that very minute.

now, lemme end this with a prayer ...

Dear God, I thank you for another answered prayer. I thank you for listening to me last night. I'm sorry for all the bad words that i blurted out since this morning. As of this very moment, I could think anything but to smile and enjoy the rest of the minutes before I close my eyes to sleep. I wanna apologize to the people who have heard my rant earlier, please help to go thru it. This I ask in Jesus' name, Amen :)

hitting the books big time!

To date, I'm seriously entertaining thoughts of entering Law School. I've always wanted to pursue this studies but dad refused every time I blurt it out. He thought that I was just being pushed by friends coz most of them are lawyers. He said that I'm in the marrying age and that will give up my career and have a new set of priorities. This went on for sometime, until a few months before he passed away and we seriously discussed the issue, I told him that I'm still on-the-go for it and I'm still crossing my fingers that he would let me, and yes, after that conversation he finally gave me his blessing and told me that he's confident enough that I would take the matter seriously. I was planning to attend to the application requirements during the 1st quarter of 2008, but I suddenly left the Country for Dubai.

I arrived back in Manila (for good) last April, the Law School thought never left my mind even when I was in Dubai. Until August of the same year when I finally told myself that I don't wanna leave the Country again for work except if the offer would be in Greece (then that's the only time I would have 2nd thoughts on it).

After all these exposures from all the lawyer friends that I've got, I really wanna give it a shot. Francis (together with Greco) is now giving me a feel of how it's gonna be like, and I say, "the hell!!!! WTF, do I really have to read, understand and MEMORIZE all these laws and cases?!? what about my life?!?". I never stopped from ranting, ranting left and right, pop-out clouds are mushrooming left and right every time I'm faced with all those books I was assigned to read.

Inspite of all those rants and complains that I have, I know deep within that I can manage and I'm starting to enjoy all those pages. But the thing that scares me the most is that, what ever it is that I'm doing right now, it'll be double, triple or even quadruple of everything the minute I enter Law School. I know for a fact that I can discipline myself from all those gimmicks and tambays, but I dunno if I can manage to read/study every single day with a minimum of 5 hrs reading, WHOA!!! Will I be ready for the daily recits, would I be able to memorize all those laws, would I manage to read and understand all the assigned readings? Sigh, I dunno ... I really dunno. I think I have to start looking for a memory booster as early as now to condition my body and brain from the things I'm planning to do.

As for the schools, I'm only considering 4, and these are the following (reasons included. School in order of priority) ...

1. FEU - Included in the Country's Top 10 Law Schools. NRR's alma mater. Doesn't have school uniform for the Institute of Law. Francis would be around for a year. (2nd thoughts: parking issue)

2. UST - Included in the Country's Top 10 Law Schools. Nearer than FEU. (2nd thoughts: Uniform. Parking.)

3. Arellano - Included in the Country's Top 10 Law Schools. No uniform. Parking inside the Campus. Ivy, Charm and LJ would be around. (2nd thoughts: kinda far, Taft Ave.)

4. San Sebastian - Tito Dindo can help me enter the Program. Can manage to find a car sticker, c/o Tito Dindo. (2nd toughts: Not sure of the School's ranking. Not sure if they require uniform.)

Come Friday I would be able to get my original copies of TOR and Good Moral certs from MC, I already asked Greco to prepare a Good Moral as well. By the 1st week of March (before NRR's death anniv) I would be jumping from one school to the other filing my application. I will go thru those exams and interviews and the minute I get the results, it's time to pick which school I shall enroll myself at.

I'll do everything I can to convince mom to shoulder my tuition, even if it takes all the money from my insurance, etc. Once I'm officially in, I'll do my best to survive! I'll do this because I've been wanting this since I graduated from College, and I'll be offering this for NRR...

"this is for you, wish you're still around!"

2010 "to do list"

1. learn how to cook -- im climbing d charts now :)
2. stick to a daily beauty regimen to ward off skin aging
3. read a book at least once a month -- 2 books down now (plus d consti books im reading right now)
4. go on a retreat
5. dare to try out a new trend
6. face a fear
7. fall in love
8. do something new with my hair --- done, 05 jan
9. vote
10. go get crazy for a night
11. paint, even if i dunno how
12. donate to a charity
13. learn the hellenic language
14. spend a day with jeff (+ taking d public transpo) --- done (yun nga lang walang commute, haha)
15. maintain a weight not exceeding 108 lbs
16. visit sarah, nadia & vangelis in hellas
17. move out

..... will add if necessary ;)

date last updated:

14 feb

happiness defined ...

Nowadays, many dads are so busy being a “provider” that they tend to forget an important role in their lives … them, simply being a dad! They miss out on an important segment in the lives of their children – the growing up years. It is during this period when the dads are so involved in work, doing all they could to provide the best for their loved ones, but the irony of it all is that this is the very action that keeps them away from spending quality times with their kids!

The growing stage of a child’s life so fast, so transitory. This is the time when folks can enjoy them in the springtime of their lives. This relationship will never be the same again.

Not a few dads who have reached the pinnacle of success in their profession end up with hardly any choice memory of their kids as youngsters. There was no sense of closeness with them during those years.

Dads need to be dads before anything else. The male image is a vital factor in the growing up process of both sons and daughters. They are irreplaceable. In His plan of procreation, God decreed that every child be born from the union of a male and a female – the mother AND the father who would take care of His children on Earth.

My dad’s marriage may have not worked out well, but as a daughter, I can say that he’s one great father. Inspite of his hectic schedule as a private contractor, consultant and a CP, never did he forget his fatherly duties and responsibilities to me and to my brother. He always had time to play with us, join us in meals, teach us with our lessons, drive us to school, etc etc. I guess I’m one of those lucky few who was blessed with a super dad :)

A few months back, a good friend of my dad told me that he once asked him for the meaning of happiness, he answered, “it’s when you know that your children knows how much you love them, and seeing them reciprocating the love back to you”. Upon hearing that, I burst into tears … who wouldn’t?

Here’s a story I read from a mag …

“A devoted father was ushered into the hospital room where his 7 y/o son was near death’s door from an incurable disease.

The boy said, “Dad, am I going to die?”
“Why do you ask, son? Are you afraid to die?”

Looking up with trusting eyes, the boy replied, “Not if God is like you, daddy.”

Now, lemme ask you, are this kind of a father???

"always be my baby"

this song is soo for me and cj ...
thru the up's and down's of our relationship, we still managed to be friends ... yeah just friends.
we became a couple and we broke up like three times, yet we still managed to patch things up, but i guess the break up that we had a couple of weeks back will be IT (sigh...)
i called it off, and when we were about to patch things up for Nth time, we found out that he's leaving this aug for bahrain; for work. so we took it from there, we ended up w/ a mutual decision of keeping each other as friends, nothing more.
such a bitter sweet goodbye ...

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free - coz that's the right thing to do :( ...
So I'm letting you fly - do you really have to go to Bahrain???
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die No!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby - uttered: 04 july, rock bottom
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no - i dont wanna cry over you, just dunno when sept comes...
And I won't beg you to stay - hahaha!!!
If you're determined to leave girl - "i just dont want any hard feelings between us"
I will not stand in your way - a bitter sweet goodbye :(
But inevitably you'll be back again - haha, i knew you'd be back :)
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby - uttered: 04 july, rock bottom
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh - been there, done that..and yes, he was there for me :)
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time - you always do sweetie ...

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby


You'll always be apart of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

Always be my baby

bring it on ...

they say, "when it rains, it pours!", ito lang masasabi ko dyan - oo nga, soo true! mapa good thing or bad thing it always comes in three..'hate it, eerrrr!!!

mid this week, i already sensed that things between me and kei aren't doing the way it should be, i let it passed and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Damn it! anong petsa na, ni ha ni ho, wala pa rin coming from him...fine! "your silence is loudly understood!!!". thats strike 1, panalo diba! may boyfreind ka nga, no where to be found naman, winner!

here goes strike 2 ... last night, my most recent ex invited me out to join him and friends at this club, fine ... gora aketch w/ matching outfit pa na super ikli; time to show-off some skin sweetie ;) the thought na he called me up shows that he havent moved on yet, and the thought na i said "yes" also shows that im still into him ... i dont wanna be hypo, yes i am, a bit, hahaha! to make the long story short, nag away lang naman kme, as in nagka bad tripan due to some guys approcahing me and the gurl who approached and the other 2 gurls whom he approached. kinlangan ba may gantihan??? does he really have to show it right into my face na mabenta sha! not because i told him abt kei, eh gaganonin na lang nya ko, t*ng yna!!! ang ending, shempre ang baklang aketch nag walk out kuno, habol naman ang lolo mo. plus he called me twice; 1 when he was on his way home, and the other 1, when he got home!!! hahaha, panalo pa din ako, may alas pa din aketch ... yun lang masasabi ko! he may be flirting with other gurls, but at the end of the day, sakin pa din ang bagsak nya! still, im so d*mn pissed!!

strike 3, shempre ang panalo kong mudra!!! wala talagang katulad si girlie, idol to the nth level! akalain mo ba namang mag wiwithdraw daw sha ng 5k from the money i deposited a couple of nights back. the hell, parang ang laki ng sweldo ko ... sha kaya tong malaki ang pay and not me. kulangot lang ng sweldo nya yung sweldo ko! eh, im saving that money for september, sa pag fly ko sa greece... good thing i was able to convince her not to withdraw.

10.32 hrs pa lang here ... maaga pa, marami pang pwedeng mangyari ... pwedeng 3 good strikes sabay homerun, or pwede rin naman isang kapestehan pa para homerun na. 04 of july, kumusta ka naman ....

all i can say is, "fine...bring it on" ...

6th months in dxb ...

come july 04, i have successfully completed 6 months here in dubai ... all i can say is that, "way to go gurl". it's such an achievement for someone like me to live a life away from home. oh yes, i've got a very comfortable and chill life in manila; a dream life to some of the people out there ... but life isnt all that comfort, i do believe that some times that you've gotta get out of your comfort zone in order to learn and to maximize your growth as a person.

living a life away from home will teach you a lot of things ... adjustments with all those crazy antics around you will definetly make your eyes roll ... but you've got no choice, you've gotta embrace those things whether you like it or not --- in order to survive and blend with the crowd. i also realized that independent living goes hand in hand with "responsibility" ... and this time ive got a bigger responsiblity at the top of my head. ive gotta discipline myself in every aspect of life, in every day and in every way. temptations from all sorts are every where, from left to right, back and front ... it's a challenge actually! it's scary but once you resisted it, ALAS, a personal victory!

the "miss" thing is one thing that attacks during one's most off-guard moments. And once it attacks ... BOOMMM!!! good luck! ;) hahaha ... i honestly dunno as to how i am surviving all these sh*ts, i miss a lot of things back home, i miss the way i used to live my life ... it's so much different from here. i miss a lot of people too; dad most specially and the rest of the family, i miss my VCF family, all my gimmik friends and everybody back home. i miss kobe (arf-arf) and i miss choi (vroom-vroomm)!

sigh, dubai ... now, im stucked here in this desert country for 1.5 years more ...

what's left for me to do .. i dont wanna be a loser or whatever, i've gotta stand up firmly, chin up and enjoy whatever it is to enjoy ... God brought me here for a reason ... ive gotta unfold the mystery in a fun and exciting way. challenges and obstacles will come way for sure, but as long as i have Him in my heart, i'll make it through ... that's for sure!!!

long live the kikay me!!! long live Him in our hearts!

cheers ye all!

The One

"Any one can make you happy by doing something special, but only somene special can make you happy without doing anything!"

you changed my life in a moment

The nights the sky was filled with clouds

My worried mind was filled with fear

I couldn't count all the lonely hours

Spent with memories and tears

I never thought I would see the day

When I could throw all my sorrow away

But then you came and you showed me the way

You have made all those times disappear

You changed my life in a moment

And I'll never be the same again

You changed my life in a moment

And it's hard for me to understand

With the touch of your hand in a moment in time

All my sorrow is gone

(is gone...is gone...is gone...)

I never thought that I could change

Could change so much in so many waysI

'm still surprised when I look in my mirror

To see that I still look the same

You changed my life in a moment

And I'll never be the same again

You changed my life in a moment

And it's hard for me to understand

With the touch of your hand in a moment in time

All my sorrow is gone

(You changed my life in a moment)

You changed my life

(And I'll never be the same again)I

'll never be the same

You changed my life in a momentA

nd it's hard for me to understand

With the touch of your hand in a moment in time

All my sorrow is gone(

You changed my life in a moment)

Gone...gone..I

n a moment in time

All my sorrow is gone...

Hiding All The Tears

I’ve witnessed numerous deaths in the family and/or clan, with friends and with a number of acquaintances … but none of those strucked me the way it’s now with Dad’s death, of course no need to expound and/or explain why it is, huh!

I was at work then, busy and all that crap … until the minute when I my mobile ticked and I was even excited to read the message – I don’t have any freaking idea that something’s going on in Manila. To my horrible surprise, it’s mom with the message: “Your dad dead. Hope you could come home to see Him. Relax ka lang.” WHOA!!! I will never forget that message, and I don’t wanna receive a message of that sort ever again … hell no dude!!! I immediately went to the fire exit to smoke my lungs out, to call mom to check on things … and yes, it’s true!!! The rest is history.

I can’t think of any aside from the fact that dad’s gone … tears are bottomlessly falling down my eyes. Kept my eye's view from afar, starring at no where. It’s a feeling that I don’t wanna feel ever again.

I arrived in Manila after a couple of days, from the airport I then rushed myself to the funeral parlor where dad’s body is currently at for viewing. I went to the coffin and starred at him, yes … it is indeed my dad! The truth finally sinked in into my system, the tears then followed. Excuse me for I refuse to expound more.

As the date of cremation is nearing, I have to prepare a eulogy. I did, I honestly did, but as I try compose everything I just ended up crying until such time that it dozed me off. Sunday it is, the day of the rites … 2 uncles gave their respective eulogies, my brother follows, then me … I read my “Father’s Day” letter to him, it was the one published in the Papers. From all the speeches I’ve delivered, from all the speaking engagements I’ve been to … the one for dad was the hardest I’ve ever done … I couldn’t hardly speak and it’s so hard to look at the people who were there with us listening – long faces of people from left to right, people crying from front to back … geeshh, I don’t wanna remember that scenario.

It is at the crematorium that I cried a lot. I felt so helpless, I don’t wanna let go of dad. I love him so much that I can’t afford to be far from him forever. I just want him to be there … I’m not ready for this … no, no, no!!!!! The reality is eating me alive and worse, I’m caught off-guard.

Dealing with this heart-breaking reality requires a lot of strength, acceptance and faith of course. At first, I thought I’ve got those three with me, but as day goes by, I realized that I’m just hiding all the tears inside me. I may look a-ok on the outside, people may see me smiling and cracking all jokes and spitting crazy ideas but to tell you the truth … I am not! I’m suffering the loss, and I haven’t moved on, not even a single step.

A lot of people envy me, but they shouldn’t be … they think I’m strong, when I’m actually not. I guess I just know how to keep my self sane infront of the public. I’m still daddy’s little princess, waiting for his cuddles and warm embrace to envelope me and I’m longing to see those set of hands to wipe my tears away … I’m just a gurl … a sobbing little gurl lost in the midst of the wilderness.

Now, I’ve got no other place to go but to live my life … to take every step from where it was left … yes it damn sad, worse I’m taking this journey alone – no cane, cratches or what so ever … just my own set of feet.

I hope I’d be better the soonest … in God’s perfect time I know I will … but for now, I know I have to experience this in order to be a stronger person.

a post christmas post!

sometime december 2007, i created a "christmas wish list" album in my mulitply account .. tadahhh!!! i had so much fun thinking and posting pictures of the top most things, etc that i want for christmas. and one of those things is to have my own copy of CINEMA PARADISO. at first den offered his copy ... followed by cy ... unfortunately none of them produced a copy .. instead i bought myself my own copy ... and there it was, the picture above shows it :)

im so inlove with that film ... its an italian (i think..). toto, that cute bratty kid melts my heart ... i dunno why ... i dunno how ... but there's really this something about that film that makes me love it more and more ... the more i watch, the more i love it!

cinema paradiso, oh yes! one of the best films ... a great gift! merry christmas to me :)

My Christ-Like Walk, A Testimonial

I was born and raised the catholic way, I attended sectarian schools wherein a class starts and ends in prayer, I followed catholic traditions and/or beliefs – I love holy weeks per se … out-of-town trips, no traffic, reunion and bonding with cousins, seafood galore, overflowing liquors, yosi till you drop, cute guy sightings, etc etc … yes, I love holy weeks!

My being a wonderer started with me having “prophetic” dreams. I’ve had dreams of Jesus, the saints, the 12 apostles and the Virgin Mary. I also get to see things before they happen. I interpret dreams of people and eventually I became a psychic! As a psychic, I’m clairvoyant and clairsentient, I talk to spirits the psychic way, I have healing powers, I’m very good in remote viewing and mental telepathy, I’m a locator, I know how to tame Tengu’s, I know how to call Fame and Maat, I know how to use my wand, I’ve undergone the heart-stopping “Haring Bakal” experience, and others.

But inspite of the abilities I have as a psychic .. inspite the fame and showbiz contacts, I felt a certain emptiness. Psychic people make good friends, but you know it within you that friends aren’t all that … as the bible says, “man can’t leave with bread alone”. I left the show and went out of town for work, but I still have guestings whenever I’m here in the Metro.

During that stage of my life, I rarely hear mass, I’d rather go to the Adoration Chapel to personally talk to God, and of course quiet time with Him at home. Things changed when I get to contemplate on things last Holy Week, I was left in our vacation house, some relatives and my kampai buddy cousins went to hear mass .. and there I was alone in the terrace, puffing my lungs out while waiting for my kampai buddies. I then told myself that I want a more personal relationship with the Lord, and because of that statement, a religious expedition is then scheduled when I get back to Manila.

I love birthdays, christmas’ and holy weeks, I love to party and a party wouldn’t be F-U-N without Migs and Winston around (you know what I mean), so I told myself that I have to pick a religion who’s somehow like the catholic, not to mention the adjustments that must be considered. I’ve heard a lot about VCF, GCF, CCF (and the other CF’s), INC, Methodists, JW, JIL, and others. And because I’ve got VCF friends, I first checked out VCF-Galle.

My First Exposure to VCF – 4PM service in Galle. There were a lot of people! Mike and Bons accompanied me and we took the seats near the front. The service have started, the music ministry was already singing, my initial reaction: “hmmm ang gwapo niya, sino sha!? Parang I like this VCF na!”. Kidding aside, I was a bit shocked when people started doing a little “slam dance” and lifting up their hands to the Lord. For me, “like duhhh???”.

Service after service after service, I eventually landed to VCF-QC sometime July.

My early days in VCF-QC – Without knowing anyone, I drove myself to UPFI to attend the 5pm service. Initial reaction, “hmm wala mashado cute … si “hijo” lang”. I was torn between Galle and UP, not long enough I made up my mind, I like UP more.

The moment I have decided to be part of the VCF family, I started surrendering my life to God; I renounced psychism, been attending cell grp (which used to be baduy to me), did One2One with Bonna and Riz, more amount of tithes, participated in praise & worship, etc. But though I have started my walk to Christianity, my life wasn’t a bed of roses. Dad was diagnosed for LCa, ate has Ca too, dreamt of people (friends) dying, and others. With those at hand, I prayed to God to give me the gift of acceptance and understanding, the gift of strength and courage. I told myself that this is the time that I have to hold on tighter onto God’s hand, not to let go and not to listen to the enemy … Isiah 43:5, “do not be afraid for I’am with you always”. Just trust God and you’ll be a-ok.

After a few months, after Riz patiently did the One2One to me, there I was at the VCF-QC Center attending the Victory Weekend. I say it was really a victorious milestone to one’s life, the feeling’s overwhelming … its great! It’s like happiness envelopes you with a new family that welcomes you with a smile, friends to share your cheers and tears, , spiritual mentors whom you know will be with you every step of the way … Alas, its really a complete victory!

To date, at first I thought that living a Christian life is boring (baduy! Praise the Lord stuff), bible study and the others of that sort (duhhh, its so not me), almost 2 hrs of service (whoa!! No way) .. but things changed when I get to experience God. He’s there for me 24/7 – and yes, we get to talk, He answers me! Living life to the fullest wouldn’t be to the fullest if you don’t have God within you. Surrendering to God wouldn’t be easy if you’re not “overcomer”. You have to have trust and a lot of faith in order to fully understand His ways.

Just look at me, who would ever thought that a gurl like me who’s a 24/7 tigbak authority honorary member, Lung Center of Phils future # 1 stockholder, Miguel’s bestfriend (SMB), multi-lingual speaker (bad words), a typical pasaway, etc., is now paving my way to the Lord … let’s just say, I wanna invest just in the right things.