the bubble has been burst

As the news burst my bubble, with migraine striking me annoyingly, as I search for the rainbow and found none, I went to God with tears on my eyes. I'm holding on, even tighter this time. I know I've gotta be strong not just for myself but for dad most especially.

Once again the star will be wearing a mask to hide daddy's sobbing princess :(

22 - 25 May 2007

I dunno if it's just me who has this list of WEIRD dreams. Yes, I’ve got one ... with real weirdo stuff in it! A few days back I was able to bring 2 of those dreams to life, hahaha!
22 May 2007, I didn’t go to work coz I wasn't feeling well. After taking some meds and a li’l mind over matter thingy, I realized that it's not doing me any good - I still don't feel a-ok, even worsening bec of d red hot summer sun. I told my folks to accompany me to the hosp but due to my more worsening condition, I asked them to call an ambulance bec I was already gasping for my breath.
The ambulance arrived after a few mins., the medics team took me from my bed and transferred me to the stretcher. (shit, this is it! Panalo, astig! At long last matutupad na pangarap kong makasakay ng ambulance na ako ang patient'). When I got inside d ambulance, the team immediately gave me oxygen and the next thing I knew we were already moving w/ it's sirens on.
Say 10 mins or so, I find myself at the ER of the CMC, once again I was transferred from 1 stretcher to the other, and same goes with my oxygen supply. Both nurses & doctors were flocking on me. Different medical gadgets & paraphernalias were inserted to the various nerves of my arms. (the more paraphernalias, the more I’m aliw! I never hesitated nor objected everytime the nurses &/or medtechs would clip another tube or even extract blood - d lang nila alam na natutuwa ako sobra! pang photo ops din to!
I was brought to my “suite” around 8.30p … I spent like 3-4 hrs at the ER. Later on, nurses and doctors went in and out of my room to check on me. There was this cutee dr, Dr Hernandez … hmmm :-)
My mom joined me for my 1st night, but for the succeeding nights I opted to be alone in the hosp. I dunno I just feel akward about the fact the someone’s watching me while I’m asleep, plus the fact the she has to go to work the following day … thanks but no thanks, I can manage. During those boring times and I’m all alone in my room, I’d text, watch TV, eat, take a nap, and of course the nurses and dr’s would always keep me company. Good friends and a couple of relatives started to come and visit me the following night, chit-chatting big time, laughters and smiles filled my room.
Once again … “A Dream Come True”! Panalo … a milestone.
I’d like to thank the following people for bringing my dream to life: mom, dad, anna, lilibeth, kuya Erwin, the ambulance team, CMC’s ER team, Dr Chavez, Dr Hernandez, Dr Gonong, Martin, Paolo, and the other dr’s and nurses who took care of me during my ill days ;-)
To my good friends and/or relatives who showed their care and concern: chele & frances, Kathleen, tita ada & mommy, ian a, sir joel, jan & paulo, cris, junna, pau, neph & cissy, john, mokong, ian, tet.
Late is better than never! To Grex and Ivy who graced the last few hours of my stay in the hosp. “dude, it was such a blast!!” Many thanks.
And of course to my sugarfree sweetie … thanks for checking on me every single day. Even though you made “talak” on me during my ER moment, thank you pa din – life would be dull without you around. Most of all, thanks for being there last Friday – starting from our photo ops, to our political chit-chats w/ grex and ivy (kukulet), to pack-up, wheel chair and elevator bloopers, martin blues …. Super Thankss!

signal fire

... i felt every ounce of me screaming out,

but the sound was traped deep in me.

... i could be stuck here for a thousand years,

without your arms to drag me out.

"hold me close, coz i need you to guide me to safety"

... in the confusion and the aftermath,

you are my signal fire

tsong, bumusina ka naman ...

we just met last holy week, it was maundy thursday to be exact (shempre holy week na nga, karir ever pa din), pero i didn't made him karir talaga. honestly, during those days kasalukuyang tinitigbak-tigbak at kinikilatis ko sha ... feeling ko kze he's gay that's why im so engross na pagmagsdan at mag abang ng mga gay moves nya.

holy week's over and we're back here in manila; back to reality. he texted me and asked me if im free that same night, and yes we went out. had a couple of beers, chips, had coffee and shared stories. that easter night gimmik was followed by another, and another, and another ... and still counting.

i realized and infairness to him, he laid down his cards to me ... he's not gay, yun nga lang babaero sha. not just the usual chick magnet type of guy, sha na ata ang isa sa mga presidente ng mga babaero orgs sa buong mundo ... saksakan ng pagka chickboy si mokong. yun pa, i call him mokong, don't ask na why ... the term MOKONG speaks for how he is :)

as i was saying, we've been going out for a month now ... pero hindi on a romantic level :( (sad, pero that's how it is eh).

now here goes the sadder part ... yes, i fancy him. oo noh, sobrang crush ko kaya sha! kahit alam kong sobrang tarantado nya, ayos lang ... im confident enough na mapapatino ko sha. after a number of night outs na minsan may others pero most of the time "kme lang dalawa". during one of our kampai nights, we had a chance to talk about our lives and discuss our sentiments, problems, dreams, etc on a more mature manner. he laid his card and i laid mine ... panalo, plus the setting, nasa bedroom bar kme - magkatabi kme!

the next thing i knew, split na sila nung gf nya. hala, tinamaan ata si gago sa mga nilitanya ko sa kanya the night before, kaya ayun nakipag split si gago.

on the contrary of his claims, mejo nalalabuan kze ... malabo na magulo. his claims are a bit different from his moves - (1) he treats me out, be it kampai, coffee, dinner, parking fee, as in treat per se, (2) most of the time kme lang dalawa ang lumalabas, (3) humarap na din kme sa common relatives namin together (shempre nawindang sila), (4) he would hug and kiss me on my chick in public (not in the maniac sense), (5) pinag bubukas nya din ako ng pinto ng car, (6) he would often assist / offer a hand pag tatayo ako, (6) he carries my bag pati the paper bag whenever we go shopping, (7) at marami pang ibang kakaiba .... improving na din kme, dati kze 2 cars pa kme paglumalabas, ngayon 1 na lang!

same week when he told me that they're off, after a couple of days, he blurtted it out - "kris, we're back" .... ah ok ... shempre na windang ang lola mo, hindi basta na windang, nagulantang ang mundo ko - BAKITTTTTT?? NO!!!!!!!!!!! :( the following night, we went out, kme lang ulit 2, he told me the whole story, shempre while he was making kwento, i kept myself composed ... as if hindi ako apektado sa recon nila pero deep inside major OUCHHHHH yon noh. at hindi pa don nagtatapos, just last night he asked me to accompany him sa mega mall coz he'll buy na daw an engagement ring ..... POTAHHHHH naman, hindi bawal bumusina. fine, eh di shempre fly ako sa mega, kahit hurting ang beauty ko, gora pa din. ako ang pinapili, ako ang pinadecide at ako ang nag isip kung ano isusulat sa likod ng ring, ANG SAKIT!!!!!!!! he wants me to even fit the ring, wag na sobra na yon. ang naka engrave sa ring, "love mokong" ... walang name nung gurl para pwede daw nya ibigay sa iba if ever things wouldn't work between them (nabuhayan ako ng loob don, may pag asa pa pala ako, nyahahahaha). while having dinner and coffee we we're talking abt his plans for this saturday naman, nyeters ako ba naman ang gusto nyang mag ayos ng lahat, from balloons, to the tarp, rose petals, notes and all ..... ito lang masasabi ko, "manhiddd ka baaaaaaaaaa???!!!!!!! "it's hurtsssssssssssss - like hell" pero shempre, ako naman si bestfriend (as per mokong), dead ma kuno, pretend na wala ako kebs pero deep inside minumura ko na sha - "ponyeta ka, sa kin mo na lang bigay yung sing-sing!"

later we might see each other again ... kung ano ang agenda ewan ko pa .... anything goes.

to sum this all up, tsong, hindi bawal bumusina ... kahit pitik-pitik lang bumusina ka naman

background song: "wala nang iba" by the bloomfields

how to save a life

Step one you say we need to talk

He walks you say sit down it's just a talk

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong,

I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defense

Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

And pray to God he hears you

And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong,

I lost a friendSomewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last choice

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

is it JUST a dream?

A few days back, I had a strange dream, the scenario goes something like this … I was with a guy friend, and there was this villain who’s trying to shoot him on the chest. Because I care so much to that certain guy friend, I went infront of him and I was the one who got shot – right in the middle of my chest. Worse, I took a view of the shot and I saw a big round open-wound.
The next scene shows that I was already doing a-ok. I tried to look at the wound to check out my scar, to my surprise there was no scar … as if I didn’t got shot. Astig dude!
When I woke up, I tried to ignore the dream, but I couldn’t … it bothers me. So the next thing that I did was to interprete my dream … naxx magpaka psychic nanaman ba!? I got the interpretation loud and clear, pero shempre mejo in-denial ako. Here’s how I interprete it …
I was with someone – a guy friend. Kung sino man yung lalakeng kasama ko don, he must be someone special to me (I’m thinking of 2 guys, sino kaya sa kanila?). Then may villain, babarilin sha nung villain, at si ako naman nagpaka bayani, so may unos o may dagok dapat si guy friend, pero since nga “special kuno” sha, sinalo ko kaya ayon ako ang nabaril. Yung tama ng baril sa chest ko means “emotional / romantic” challenge. After a few days, magaling na ako at andon pa din si guy friend, ok na ko … magaling na ako at walang scar yung wound ko. Panalo meaning non, “good karma” yon. I’ll be fine na parang walang nangyari, si guy friend will still be there beside me .

As of the moment, andon pa lang ako scene with the villain. With all the shits that happened last weekend, ewan ko lang kung paano ko ibabangon yung sarili ko (that'll be another entry). I'm bothered :( I feel down ...

I wanna talk you pero siguro hindi muna ... baka matalakan mo nanaman ako.

im missing you.

Ano nga ba ...

Magkasama nga tayo ...

Para sa iba "date" ang tawag sa madalas nating pagkikita ...

Pero ano nga ba ang totoo?

Ang labo mo kze eh ...

Sasabihin mo sa kin di tayo "talo" pero iba naman pinakikita mo ...

Ano nga ba ang totoo?

Gusto mo rin ba ako?

Kung ako ang tatanungin,

Oo, gusto kita kahit isa kang "mokong"

Eto para sayo ...

Alala mo

Nung tayo ay walang magawa

Nandon ako

Nandon ka at wala nang iba

Sino pa ang hinahanap mo?

Nandito lang naman ako

Anlapit mo

Pagitan ay buntong hininga

Nahuhulog

Sa'yo lang at wala nang iba

Sino pa ang hinahanap mo?

Nandito lang naman ako

Mahal kitaIkaw lang at wala nang iba...

AW!

Ikaw lang ang hinahanap ko

Ikaw lang Ikaw lang

Ikaw lang ang hinahanap ko

Ikaw lang Ikaw lang

Ikaw lang at wala nang iba

Sa sandaling 'to

Puso'y parang lilipad na

Sa sandaling 'to

Sa'yo lang at wala nang iba

earth day jam 2007

Grabe! The Earth Day Jam '07 was such a great success, people from all over the Metro flocked the Tomas Morato strip to join Mother Earth's birthday bash. Over 30+ artists / bands graced the event and a few number of government officials / (+ aspiring) politicians we're also present and joined the celebration. Whatta blast!!! :)

I've got assignments for the abovementioned event, not to mention doing the invites and all ...

• Weeks before the event - invite NGO's for exhibit, coordinate with the variuos NGO speakers ...
• Set-up night - get final instructions from Lou, coordinate things with Janjan, final meeting w/ Direc Toto, finalize coordination with the 2 stages with Renz
• 4pm, 20 April 2007 - check all NGO booths, finalize / revised NGO speakers, check MBC bars (earth and fire), give instructions to special security and DPOS, give red and green VIP passes, earth day greetings from establishments, give instructions to the mobile camera man, coordinate things w/ the Earth stage's backstage director
• 8PM, Show time - interviewe artists, take charge of Mayor SB, Cong. Noynoy, Sec. Angelo and the Ms Earth contestants and Titlist, interview establishments and audience, check attendance of speakers, enjoy the event
• After the event - do kampai with the Dimitri team :)

So, those are just some of the things that were assigned to me ... unfortunately, I wasn't able to do all of them because of some unavoidable circumstances. Let's just say I was trapped at the Earth-Water stage for almost 3 hrs, because of the VIP's. Cong. Noynoy arrived on-time while the other two, esp Sec. Angelo is so damn pasaway, GRRRR. When the Mayor arrived, I was already looking after Cong Noynoy (since he got there 1st), so I opted to endorse the Mayor to Janjan (my counterpart and Lou's nephew). As for the Earth Day constestants and Titlist, I endorsed them to Belle (a Dimitri employee). I had a great time chatting with Cong. Noynoy, he was kind enough to share some kris aquino updates and made a little sharing with regards to his nephew, Josh (who accompanied him at the event).

Cong. Noynoy left after his interview, he didn't proceed to the Fire-Air stage becuase of Josh. While waiting for the Secretary's arrival, I've been hearing updates from our radio (intercom) about the happenings at the other stage .... i was so damn inggit! But there's nothing I can do, I can't leave the Earth stage and join the fun at the Fire stage, I've gotta work ... Lou gave me responsibilities and I said Yes, so I have to mark my word for it. I've been working with Dimitri for the past 4 years now, and I just can't let them down now because of some personal crap ... hell no, I've gotta be professional ... and so I did.

The only thing that made me smile while waiting for the Secretary are my close encounters with the artists backstage, esp. Rocky, Lakan, Pepe, Loui and of course Jayjay Lozano - the cutest!, they're also known as The Bloomfields :) WAHHHHH!!!!! I don't mind having this pic taken, though Myla (Stage Manager) was laughing at me, the hell do I care (hahaha Myla!). He got my number and we we're texting last Saturday ... KILIGGGGG!!!!!

Of the record, he's kinda flirt ha ... pero he's nice and he's so cuteee!!! When I told Lou about Jayjay, that I'm crushing him, she told me that Jayjay is still a kid, i laughed and told her that he's like 21-22 y/o already, "pwede na 'yon" ... and we both laughed and hi fived! :)

The Secretary arrived when The Bloomfields were about to start there set ... mejo lang diba, kainis talaga! I hurried and approach Sec at once, asked him to wait at one of the tables at the VIP area, asked the waiters to assist him and excused myself to go at infront of the stage and watch The Bloomfields, BWAHAHAHA!!! Iniwan ko talaga si Sec sa backstage, nyeta ang tagal nyang dumating eh. Kaya ako, ayun nasa harap nagpapaka baliw habang pinanonood sila, shempre most of the time kay Jayjay ako nakatingin. Infairness, nag a-eye to eye naman kme, konting shy ako pero carry na din, inisip ko na lang eh I'm from Dimitri kaya kinlangan mejo kapalan ko mukha ko. Nyahahaha!!! After the set, nalost na si Sec, nasa MBC bar na sha nakaupo, in preparation for his interview. Kaya ako, ayun nakatutuk nanaman kila Jayjay and eventually said our goodbyes. The moment the guys left, I asked for security back-up na coz I'll be crossing the flock of peeps all over the Strip.

Lou was already performing when I got to the Fire stage, and to tell you the truth, that stage rocks! That stage is so damn filled with black boys (those hard core rock fans) ... para silang mga kuto, ang lilikot at ang gugulo ... not to mention na it's super init there! I didn't quite like the last few bands - Up Dharma Down, Itchy Worms, The Dawn, etc ... but to be at the Fire stage is already enough for me. I don't like the line up in the Air stage, i find it so tunog katutubo :) well except for The Bloomfields ofcourse!

Oh well, basically that's how it was last Friday ... didn't enjoy the jam itself but I enjoyed the event one way or another. Met people ... smile smile ... had a chance to speak with Cong Noynoy ... saw alot of happy audience ... pakikay with Jayjay :) ... and a whole a lot more

~ cheers ~

Singleringen!

Being a single-unattached lady nowadays is so damn fun ... I dunno with the others, but for me, ILOVEIT! I get to date whoever I want, I can go any where, any time, in other words ... I get to do things without the worries of whatever.

Last January, I dated RJ ... at first we we're doing good, later on he screwed up that's why i opted to take the other route. March, I met Dan. We went out for a just a couple of nights - well it was just a Bora thingy. Then came April, during the Holy Week I met Mokong ... yeah, I'm crushing him but what we share is more likely of buddies than a romantic relationship, we're almost relatives but not really (and we both took it from there). Then came Vince (for the Nth time, he's back), I went out with him last Sunday, it was fine??!? yeah, it was fine but kinda boring ... the kilig factor wasn't there. And ofcourse, my all time favorite date ... who else, Den-den! - too many to mention, he's way above all these guys :)

To end this entry, all I wanna say is that, I feel so so great with everything and/or nothings . "I'm doing perfectly fine, dear". I'm enjoying every single minute of my life. That's why I invite and say to you, "together let's go boy hunting".

Siya'y Nagbalik ...

At ngayon sa iyong pagbalik,

Anong dapat asahan?

Ito na ba ang oras na tayo'y magkakasundo,

O katulad din ito ng ating mga nakaraan?

Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng ating patutunguhan,

pikit mata ko na lang tatawirin ang pagsapit ng bukang liwayway.

Captain Oh Captain ...

First impression, tatay! Second impression, juding! After a couple of kampai nights, confirmed, he’s straight and he’s a self-confessed “jerk and asshole”. But what the hell am I doing that Easter night at Off the Grill, Timog Ave.? The answer, we we’re sharing a bucket of beer, sizzling shrooms and a hot plate of sisig, while unveiling ourselves to each other. It’s was such an odd kampai / date (whatever), instead of putting his best foot forward, he told me how jerk he is … he told me how asshole he could be (not in the yabang sense). It was also then that I learned that he’s cute especially when he smiles. He’s got a flawless complexion, a good height, acceptable built and a nice set of teeth. As a person, he’s a gentleman, he’s nice though and the thing that tops it all, he’s a self-confessed jerk and asshole at the same time.

We stayed at the bar for 2.5 hours, he’s a good conversationalist too. Later on, he asked me to accompany him to meet his friend / former colleague at the Crown Plaza Hotel. We just had coffee at the hotel and ofcourse chit-chats. We left the hotel around 1.30AM, and when we we’re both about to start the engines of our cars, he approached me and kissed me on the cheek (kiligggggggg)!!!

By the time I got home, we exchange text messages and eventually said our good nights. I went to bed with a smile on my face. Yes, I’m not gonna deny it, I crush him. I have this feeling that I can tame him, hahaha … I’m challenged with how he is, I’m confident that to say that I can change him to be the boyfriend type of guy.

But things are pretty complicated because of the links that binds us both – he’s my cousin-in-law’s brother! That just means that we will be seeing each other for the rest of our lives. One wrong move and it’ll forever hunt us both, one wrong move and today will turn out to be a bitter yesterday.

the eve!

i dont know what happened ... i dont know how, when and where it all started ... but i tell you, i not numb and i know that there's coldness in the friendship.

i was already in morato when you texted me asking if i could accompany you in friday's coz you're gonna meet up with frances. for obvious reasons, i declined. i declined because of these following reasons: (1) i dont think that night is a good night for me to join you guys. you've gotta talk and finalize things once and for all. you both are in a vague spot with regards to your relationship, so why invite someone to join you then? honestly, it's an odd spot for me. (2) arcee is also my friend, yes you are my bestfriend but i dont think it's right to play favorites ... you know me chele. i dont wanna be bias or sumthin. (3) i opted to go home that night coz im so damn tired. been in the ofc from 9-6pm, then i rushed to morato for a mtg which lasted for 2.5 hrs ... pls understand that i feel so fucking exhausted and drained that very night.

i texted you and apologized the moment i got to recompose myself back, dead ma ka. i greeted you 12mn and you replied 9am, ok lang. then i never heard anything from you since then. chele, i know you're going thru something, but you chose to be silent, fine, i respect that. i know you despise me one way or another for what happened ... but may i request that ma you to please broaden your horizons ... there's always the other side of the coin! we're no longer kids, so may we please act as responsible grown ups, let's stop acting like kiddos, brats, etc.

im sorry for this. i hoped you had a happy birthday.

tc and will wait for your reply.