"always be my baby"

this song is soo for me and cj ...
thru the up's and down's of our relationship, we still managed to be friends ... yeah just friends.
we became a couple and we broke up like three times, yet we still managed to patch things up, but i guess the break up that we had a couple of weeks back will be IT (sigh...)
i called it off, and when we were about to patch things up for Nth time, we found out that he's leaving this aug for bahrain; for work. so we took it from there, we ended up w/ a mutual decision of keeping each other as friends, nothing more.
such a bitter sweet goodbye ...

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be free - coz that's the right thing to do :( ...
So I'm letting you fly - do you really have to go to Bahrain???
Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die No!

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby - uttered: 04 july, rock bottom
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no - i dont wanna cry over you, just dunno when sept comes...
And I won't beg you to stay - hahaha!!!
If you're determined to leave girl - "i just dont want any hard feelings between us"
I will not stand in your way - a bitter sweet goodbye :(
But inevitably you'll be back again - haha, i knew you'd be back :)
Cause ya know in your heart babe
Our love will never end no

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby - uttered: 04 july, rock bottom
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

I know that you'll be back girl
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oooohhh - been there, done that..and yes, he was there for me :)
I know that, you'll be right back, babe
Ooooh! baby believe me it's only a matter of time - you always do sweetie ...

You'll always be a part of me
I'm a part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby


You'll always be apart of me (you will always be)
I'm part of you indefinitely
Girl don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on (we will linger on....)
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

Always be my baby

bring it on ...

they say, "when it rains, it pours!", ito lang masasabi ko dyan - oo nga, soo true! mapa good thing or bad thing it always comes in three..'hate it, eerrrr!!!

mid this week, i already sensed that things between me and kei aren't doing the way it should be, i let it passed and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Damn it! anong petsa na, ni ha ni ho, wala pa rin coming from him...fine! "your silence is loudly understood!!!". thats strike 1, panalo diba! may boyfreind ka nga, no where to be found naman, winner!

here goes strike 2 ... last night, my most recent ex invited me out to join him and friends at this club, fine ... gora aketch w/ matching outfit pa na super ikli; time to show-off some skin sweetie ;) the thought na he called me up shows that he havent moved on yet, and the thought na i said "yes" also shows that im still into him ... i dont wanna be hypo, yes i am, a bit, hahaha! to make the long story short, nag away lang naman kme, as in nagka bad tripan due to some guys approcahing me and the gurl who approached and the other 2 gurls whom he approached. kinlangan ba may gantihan??? does he really have to show it right into my face na mabenta sha! not because i told him abt kei, eh gaganonin na lang nya ko, t*ng yna!!! ang ending, shempre ang baklang aketch nag walk out kuno, habol naman ang lolo mo. plus he called me twice; 1 when he was on his way home, and the other 1, when he got home!!! hahaha, panalo pa din ako, may alas pa din aketch ... yun lang masasabi ko! he may be flirting with other gurls, but at the end of the day, sakin pa din ang bagsak nya! still, im so d*mn pissed!!

strike 3, shempre ang panalo kong mudra!!! wala talagang katulad si girlie, idol to the nth level! akalain mo ba namang mag wiwithdraw daw sha ng 5k from the money i deposited a couple of nights back. the hell, parang ang laki ng sweldo ko ... sha kaya tong malaki ang pay and not me. kulangot lang ng sweldo nya yung sweldo ko! eh, im saving that money for september, sa pag fly ko sa greece... good thing i was able to convince her not to withdraw.

10.32 hrs pa lang here ... maaga pa, marami pang pwedeng mangyari ... pwedeng 3 good strikes sabay homerun, or pwede rin naman isang kapestehan pa para homerun na. 04 of july, kumusta ka naman ....

all i can say is, "fine...bring it on" ...

6th months in dxb ...

come july 04, i have successfully completed 6 months here in dubai ... all i can say is that, "way to go gurl". it's such an achievement for someone like me to live a life away from home. oh yes, i've got a very comfortable and chill life in manila; a dream life to some of the people out there ... but life isnt all that comfort, i do believe that some times that you've gotta get out of your comfort zone in order to learn and to maximize your growth as a person.

living a life away from home will teach you a lot of things ... adjustments with all those crazy antics around you will definetly make your eyes roll ... but you've got no choice, you've gotta embrace those things whether you like it or not --- in order to survive and blend with the crowd. i also realized that independent living goes hand in hand with "responsibility" ... and this time ive got a bigger responsiblity at the top of my head. ive gotta discipline myself in every aspect of life, in every day and in every way. temptations from all sorts are every where, from left to right, back and front ... it's a challenge actually! it's scary but once you resisted it, ALAS, a personal victory!

the "miss" thing is one thing that attacks during one's most off-guard moments. And once it attacks ... BOOMMM!!! good luck! ;) hahaha ... i honestly dunno as to how i am surviving all these sh*ts, i miss a lot of things back home, i miss the way i used to live my life ... it's so much different from here. i miss a lot of people too; dad most specially and the rest of the family, i miss my VCF family, all my gimmik friends and everybody back home. i miss kobe (arf-arf) and i miss choi (vroom-vroomm)!

sigh, dubai ... now, im stucked here in this desert country for 1.5 years more ...

what's left for me to do .. i dont wanna be a loser or whatever, i've gotta stand up firmly, chin up and enjoy whatever it is to enjoy ... God brought me here for a reason ... ive gotta unfold the mystery in a fun and exciting way. challenges and obstacles will come way for sure, but as long as i have Him in my heart, i'll make it through ... that's for sure!!!

long live the kikay me!!! long live Him in our hearts!

cheers ye all!

The One

"Any one can make you happy by doing something special, but only somene special can make you happy without doing anything!"

you changed my life in a moment

The nights the sky was filled with clouds

My worried mind was filled with fear

I couldn't count all the lonely hours

Spent with memories and tears

I never thought I would see the day

When I could throw all my sorrow away

But then you came and you showed me the way

You have made all those times disappear

You changed my life in a moment

And I'll never be the same again

You changed my life in a moment

And it's hard for me to understand

With the touch of your hand in a moment in time

All my sorrow is gone

(is gone...is gone...is gone...)

I never thought that I could change

Could change so much in so many waysI

'm still surprised when I look in my mirror

To see that I still look the same

You changed my life in a moment

And I'll never be the same again

You changed my life in a moment

And it's hard for me to understand

With the touch of your hand in a moment in time

All my sorrow is gone

(You changed my life in a moment)

You changed my life

(And I'll never be the same again)I

'll never be the same

You changed my life in a momentA

nd it's hard for me to understand

With the touch of your hand in a moment in time

All my sorrow is gone(

You changed my life in a moment)

Gone...gone..I

n a moment in time

All my sorrow is gone...

Hiding All The Tears

I’ve witnessed numerous deaths in the family and/or clan, with friends and with a number of acquaintances … but none of those strucked me the way it’s now with Dad’s death, of course no need to expound and/or explain why it is, huh!

I was at work then, busy and all that crap … until the minute when I my mobile ticked and I was even excited to read the message – I don’t have any freaking idea that something’s going on in Manila. To my horrible surprise, it’s mom with the message: “Your dad dead. Hope you could come home to see Him. Relax ka lang.” WHOA!!! I will never forget that message, and I don’t wanna receive a message of that sort ever again … hell no dude!!! I immediately went to the fire exit to smoke my lungs out, to call mom to check on things … and yes, it’s true!!! The rest is history.

I can’t think of any aside from the fact that dad’s gone … tears are bottomlessly falling down my eyes. Kept my eye's view from afar, starring at no where. It’s a feeling that I don’t wanna feel ever again.

I arrived in Manila after a couple of days, from the airport I then rushed myself to the funeral parlor where dad’s body is currently at for viewing. I went to the coffin and starred at him, yes … it is indeed my dad! The truth finally sinked in into my system, the tears then followed. Excuse me for I refuse to expound more.

As the date of cremation is nearing, I have to prepare a eulogy. I did, I honestly did, but as I try compose everything I just ended up crying until such time that it dozed me off. Sunday it is, the day of the rites … 2 uncles gave their respective eulogies, my brother follows, then me … I read my “Father’s Day” letter to him, it was the one published in the Papers. From all the speeches I’ve delivered, from all the speaking engagements I’ve been to … the one for dad was the hardest I’ve ever done … I couldn’t hardly speak and it’s so hard to look at the people who were there with us listening – long faces of people from left to right, people crying from front to back … geeshh, I don’t wanna remember that scenario.

It is at the crematorium that I cried a lot. I felt so helpless, I don’t wanna let go of dad. I love him so much that I can’t afford to be far from him forever. I just want him to be there … I’m not ready for this … no, no, no!!!!! The reality is eating me alive and worse, I’m caught off-guard.

Dealing with this heart-breaking reality requires a lot of strength, acceptance and faith of course. At first, I thought I’ve got those three with me, but as day goes by, I realized that I’m just hiding all the tears inside me. I may look a-ok on the outside, people may see me smiling and cracking all jokes and spitting crazy ideas but to tell you the truth … I am not! I’m suffering the loss, and I haven’t moved on, not even a single step.

A lot of people envy me, but they shouldn’t be … they think I’m strong, when I’m actually not. I guess I just know how to keep my self sane infront of the public. I’m still daddy’s little princess, waiting for his cuddles and warm embrace to envelope me and I’m longing to see those set of hands to wipe my tears away … I’m just a gurl … a sobbing little gurl lost in the midst of the wilderness.

Now, I’ve got no other place to go but to live my life … to take every step from where it was left … yes it damn sad, worse I’m taking this journey alone – no cane, cratches or what so ever … just my own set of feet.

I hope I’d be better the soonest … in God’s perfect time I know I will … but for now, I know I have to experience this in order to be a stronger person.

a post christmas post!

sometime december 2007, i created a "christmas wish list" album in my mulitply account .. tadahhh!!! i had so much fun thinking and posting pictures of the top most things, etc that i want for christmas. and one of those things is to have my own copy of CINEMA PARADISO. at first den offered his copy ... followed by cy ... unfortunately none of them produced a copy .. instead i bought myself my own copy ... and there it was, the picture above shows it :)

im so inlove with that film ... its an italian (i think..). toto, that cute bratty kid melts my heart ... i dunno why ... i dunno how ... but there's really this something about that film that makes me love it more and more ... the more i watch, the more i love it!

cinema paradiso, oh yes! one of the best films ... a great gift! merry christmas to me :)

My Christ-Like Walk, A Testimonial

I was born and raised the catholic way, I attended sectarian schools wherein a class starts and ends in prayer, I followed catholic traditions and/or beliefs – I love holy weeks per se … out-of-town trips, no traffic, reunion and bonding with cousins, seafood galore, overflowing liquors, yosi till you drop, cute guy sightings, etc etc … yes, I love holy weeks!

My being a wonderer started with me having “prophetic” dreams. I’ve had dreams of Jesus, the saints, the 12 apostles and the Virgin Mary. I also get to see things before they happen. I interpret dreams of people and eventually I became a psychic! As a psychic, I’m clairvoyant and clairsentient, I talk to spirits the psychic way, I have healing powers, I’m very good in remote viewing and mental telepathy, I’m a locator, I know how to tame Tengu’s, I know how to call Fame and Maat, I know how to use my wand, I’ve undergone the heart-stopping “Haring Bakal” experience, and others.

But inspite of the abilities I have as a psychic .. inspite the fame and showbiz contacts, I felt a certain emptiness. Psychic people make good friends, but you know it within you that friends aren’t all that … as the bible says, “man can’t leave with bread alone”. I left the show and went out of town for work, but I still have guestings whenever I’m here in the Metro.

During that stage of my life, I rarely hear mass, I’d rather go to the Adoration Chapel to personally talk to God, and of course quiet time with Him at home. Things changed when I get to contemplate on things last Holy Week, I was left in our vacation house, some relatives and my kampai buddy cousins went to hear mass .. and there I was alone in the terrace, puffing my lungs out while waiting for my kampai buddies. I then told myself that I want a more personal relationship with the Lord, and because of that statement, a religious expedition is then scheduled when I get back to Manila.

I love birthdays, christmas’ and holy weeks, I love to party and a party wouldn’t be F-U-N without Migs and Winston around (you know what I mean), so I told myself that I have to pick a religion who’s somehow like the catholic, not to mention the adjustments that must be considered. I’ve heard a lot about VCF, GCF, CCF (and the other CF’s), INC, Methodists, JW, JIL, and others. And because I’ve got VCF friends, I first checked out VCF-Galle.

My First Exposure to VCF – 4PM service in Galle. There were a lot of people! Mike and Bons accompanied me and we took the seats near the front. The service have started, the music ministry was already singing, my initial reaction: “hmmm ang gwapo niya, sino sha!? Parang I like this VCF na!”. Kidding aside, I was a bit shocked when people started doing a little “slam dance” and lifting up their hands to the Lord. For me, “like duhhh???”.

Service after service after service, I eventually landed to VCF-QC sometime July.

My early days in VCF-QC – Without knowing anyone, I drove myself to UPFI to attend the 5pm service. Initial reaction, “hmm wala mashado cute … si “hijo” lang”. I was torn between Galle and UP, not long enough I made up my mind, I like UP more.

The moment I have decided to be part of the VCF family, I started surrendering my life to God; I renounced psychism, been attending cell grp (which used to be baduy to me), did One2One with Bonna and Riz, more amount of tithes, participated in praise & worship, etc. But though I have started my walk to Christianity, my life wasn’t a bed of roses. Dad was diagnosed for LCa, ate has Ca too, dreamt of people (friends) dying, and others. With those at hand, I prayed to God to give me the gift of acceptance and understanding, the gift of strength and courage. I told myself that this is the time that I have to hold on tighter onto God’s hand, not to let go and not to listen to the enemy … Isiah 43:5, “do not be afraid for I’am with you always”. Just trust God and you’ll be a-ok.

After a few months, after Riz patiently did the One2One to me, there I was at the VCF-QC Center attending the Victory Weekend. I say it was really a victorious milestone to one’s life, the feeling’s overwhelming … its great! It’s like happiness envelopes you with a new family that welcomes you with a smile, friends to share your cheers and tears, , spiritual mentors whom you know will be with you every step of the way … Alas, its really a complete victory!

To date, at first I thought that living a Christian life is boring (baduy! Praise the Lord stuff), bible study and the others of that sort (duhhh, its so not me), almost 2 hrs of service (whoa!! No way) .. but things changed when I get to experience God. He’s there for me 24/7 – and yes, we get to talk, He answers me! Living life to the fullest wouldn’t be to the fullest if you don’t have God within you. Surrendering to God wouldn’t be easy if you’re not “overcomer”. You have to have trust and a lot of faith in order to fully understand His ways.

Just look at me, who would ever thought that a gurl like me who’s a 24/7 tigbak authority honorary member, Lung Center of Phils future # 1 stockholder, Miguel’s bestfriend (SMB), multi-lingual speaker (bad words), a typical pasaway, etc., is now paving my way to the Lord … let’s just say, I wanna invest just in the right things.

Living God's Will or Simply Leaving?

A couple of months ago, a job abroad was offered to me ... I didnt like the idea of leaving Manila because I dont wanna be away from my comfort zone; i dont know how to take the public transpo, i dont know how to cook, i dunno how to do household chores ... how about kobe?, my friends and family? what about my social life? gimmick and all that ... bloomfields! my VCF family, etc etc. Inspite of all those considerations, I went to my interview and gave it my best shot, of course I dunno wanna go home rejected! (ego, i guess). After all the other crazy antics of the company, I was told that I'll be leaving sometime soon ... and I felt sad! Weird! I guess, I'm just the only one leaving who wishes not to leave.

Ever since the beginning, I really didnt like the idea of me leaving Manila for 2 years, so I prayed to God and I asked Him whether or not the job is for me, whether or not it's really from Him or it's from the enemy. I asked Him to do such interventions in order to fully convince me on things, and to date ... hahaha! everything's seem to go well, I already got 1 of the interventions I asked, and I got a "go" message ... SAD!

Oh well, I guess I just have to learn how to fully embrace the fact that I'm leaving soon ... soon to the point that I may not be around for Christmas. Whether or not I like the idea of me working abroad, but since it's from God (not my will, but Your's be done!), I know for a fact that it's for the better .. that it's part of your plan for me (a future and a hope) ...

and because of that plan Lord, I will obey you and put my full trust in no one but You!

Music: Lead me Lord

missing cy!

you used to be the reason behind my laughter and smiles.

your voice is my sun, your laughter is my moon, and your eyes are my stars.

how wonderful those days were ..

i just dont know what happened that in a snap im feeling distant.

i miss you, but i dont want you to call me ..

i wanna see you, but i dont wanna hang out with you ..

i wanna hug you, but i guess, it's better this way :(

missing you ...

music: Swept Away

CMT

you arrived just in time,

or so it just a thought?

you showed me sweetness and kindness,

you make me smile and you make look forward to the coming hrs.

what is this all?

a crap or show ... is this for real, are you for keeps?

i tell you, better speak up now before it gets too late.

Music: Promise

By: KAI

toothache

love is like a toothache.

when one is suffering from a toothache,

the entire body gets affected.

while in love,

when something's not so good,

you wouldnt be able to funtion well ...

TOOTHACHE! :(

music: You Wont See Me (The Beatles)