Hiding All The Tears

I’ve witnessed numerous deaths in the family and/or clan, with friends and with a number of acquaintances … but none of those strucked me the way it’s now with Dad’s death, of course no need to expound and/or explain why it is, huh!

I was at work then, busy and all that crap … until the minute when I my mobile ticked and I was even excited to read the message – I don’t have any freaking idea that something’s going on in Manila. To my horrible surprise, it’s mom with the message: “Your dad dead. Hope you could come home to see Him. Relax ka lang.” WHOA!!! I will never forget that message, and I don’t wanna receive a message of that sort ever again … hell no dude!!! I immediately went to the fire exit to smoke my lungs out, to call mom to check on things … and yes, it’s true!!! The rest is history.

I can’t think of any aside from the fact that dad’s gone … tears are bottomlessly falling down my eyes. Kept my eye's view from afar, starring at no where. It’s a feeling that I don’t wanna feel ever again.

I arrived in Manila after a couple of days, from the airport I then rushed myself to the funeral parlor where dad’s body is currently at for viewing. I went to the coffin and starred at him, yes … it is indeed my dad! The truth finally sinked in into my system, the tears then followed. Excuse me for I refuse to expound more.

As the date of cremation is nearing, I have to prepare a eulogy. I did, I honestly did, but as I try compose everything I just ended up crying until such time that it dozed me off. Sunday it is, the day of the rites … 2 uncles gave their respective eulogies, my brother follows, then me … I read my “Father’s Day” letter to him, it was the one published in the Papers. From all the speeches I’ve delivered, from all the speaking engagements I’ve been to … the one for dad was the hardest I’ve ever done … I couldn’t hardly speak and it’s so hard to look at the people who were there with us listening – long faces of people from left to right, people crying from front to back … geeshh, I don’t wanna remember that scenario.

It is at the crematorium that I cried a lot. I felt so helpless, I don’t wanna let go of dad. I love him so much that I can’t afford to be far from him forever. I just want him to be there … I’m not ready for this … no, no, no!!!!! The reality is eating me alive and worse, I’m caught off-guard.

Dealing with this heart-breaking reality requires a lot of strength, acceptance and faith of course. At first, I thought I’ve got those three with me, but as day goes by, I realized that I’m just hiding all the tears inside me. I may look a-ok on the outside, people may see me smiling and cracking all jokes and spitting crazy ideas but to tell you the truth … I am not! I’m suffering the loss, and I haven’t moved on, not even a single step.

A lot of people envy me, but they shouldn’t be … they think I’m strong, when I’m actually not. I guess I just know how to keep my self sane infront of the public. I’m still daddy’s little princess, waiting for his cuddles and warm embrace to envelope me and I’m longing to see those set of hands to wipe my tears away … I’m just a gurl … a sobbing little gurl lost in the midst of the wilderness.

Now, I’ve got no other place to go but to live my life … to take every step from where it was left … yes it damn sad, worse I’m taking this journey alone – no cane, cratches or what so ever … just my own set of feet.

I hope I’d be better the soonest … in God’s perfect time I know I will … but for now, I know I have to experience this in order to be a stronger person.

a post christmas post!

sometime december 2007, i created a "christmas wish list" album in my mulitply account .. tadahhh!!! i had so much fun thinking and posting pictures of the top most things, etc that i want for christmas. and one of those things is to have my own copy of CINEMA PARADISO. at first den offered his copy ... followed by cy ... unfortunately none of them produced a copy .. instead i bought myself my own copy ... and there it was, the picture above shows it :)

im so inlove with that film ... its an italian (i think..). toto, that cute bratty kid melts my heart ... i dunno why ... i dunno how ... but there's really this something about that film that makes me love it more and more ... the more i watch, the more i love it!

cinema paradiso, oh yes! one of the best films ... a great gift! merry christmas to me :)

My Christ-Like Walk, A Testimonial

I was born and raised the catholic way, I attended sectarian schools wherein a class starts and ends in prayer, I followed catholic traditions and/or beliefs – I love holy weeks per se … out-of-town trips, no traffic, reunion and bonding with cousins, seafood galore, overflowing liquors, yosi till you drop, cute guy sightings, etc etc … yes, I love holy weeks!

My being a wonderer started with me having “prophetic” dreams. I’ve had dreams of Jesus, the saints, the 12 apostles and the Virgin Mary. I also get to see things before they happen. I interpret dreams of people and eventually I became a psychic! As a psychic, I’m clairvoyant and clairsentient, I talk to spirits the psychic way, I have healing powers, I’m very good in remote viewing and mental telepathy, I’m a locator, I know how to tame Tengu’s, I know how to call Fame and Maat, I know how to use my wand, I’ve undergone the heart-stopping “Haring Bakal” experience, and others.

But inspite of the abilities I have as a psychic .. inspite the fame and showbiz contacts, I felt a certain emptiness. Psychic people make good friends, but you know it within you that friends aren’t all that … as the bible says, “man can’t leave with bread alone”. I left the show and went out of town for work, but I still have guestings whenever I’m here in the Metro.

During that stage of my life, I rarely hear mass, I’d rather go to the Adoration Chapel to personally talk to God, and of course quiet time with Him at home. Things changed when I get to contemplate on things last Holy Week, I was left in our vacation house, some relatives and my kampai buddy cousins went to hear mass .. and there I was alone in the terrace, puffing my lungs out while waiting for my kampai buddies. I then told myself that I want a more personal relationship with the Lord, and because of that statement, a religious expedition is then scheduled when I get back to Manila.

I love birthdays, christmas’ and holy weeks, I love to party and a party wouldn’t be F-U-N without Migs and Winston around (you know what I mean), so I told myself that I have to pick a religion who’s somehow like the catholic, not to mention the adjustments that must be considered. I’ve heard a lot about VCF, GCF, CCF (and the other CF’s), INC, Methodists, JW, JIL, and others. And because I’ve got VCF friends, I first checked out VCF-Galle.

My First Exposure to VCF – 4PM service in Galle. There were a lot of people! Mike and Bons accompanied me and we took the seats near the front. The service have started, the music ministry was already singing, my initial reaction: “hmmm ang gwapo niya, sino sha!? Parang I like this VCF na!”. Kidding aside, I was a bit shocked when people started doing a little “slam dance” and lifting up their hands to the Lord. For me, “like duhhh???”.

Service after service after service, I eventually landed to VCF-QC sometime July.

My early days in VCF-QC – Without knowing anyone, I drove myself to UPFI to attend the 5pm service. Initial reaction, “hmm wala mashado cute … si “hijo” lang”. I was torn between Galle and UP, not long enough I made up my mind, I like UP more.

The moment I have decided to be part of the VCF family, I started surrendering my life to God; I renounced psychism, been attending cell grp (which used to be baduy to me), did One2One with Bonna and Riz, more amount of tithes, participated in praise & worship, etc. But though I have started my walk to Christianity, my life wasn’t a bed of roses. Dad was diagnosed for LCa, ate has Ca too, dreamt of people (friends) dying, and others. With those at hand, I prayed to God to give me the gift of acceptance and understanding, the gift of strength and courage. I told myself that this is the time that I have to hold on tighter onto God’s hand, not to let go and not to listen to the enemy … Isiah 43:5, “do not be afraid for I’am with you always”. Just trust God and you’ll be a-ok.

After a few months, after Riz patiently did the One2One to me, there I was at the VCF-QC Center attending the Victory Weekend. I say it was really a victorious milestone to one’s life, the feeling’s overwhelming … its great! It’s like happiness envelopes you with a new family that welcomes you with a smile, friends to share your cheers and tears, , spiritual mentors whom you know will be with you every step of the way … Alas, its really a complete victory!

To date, at first I thought that living a Christian life is boring (baduy! Praise the Lord stuff), bible study and the others of that sort (duhhh, its so not me), almost 2 hrs of service (whoa!! No way) .. but things changed when I get to experience God. He’s there for me 24/7 – and yes, we get to talk, He answers me! Living life to the fullest wouldn’t be to the fullest if you don’t have God within you. Surrendering to God wouldn’t be easy if you’re not “overcomer”. You have to have trust and a lot of faith in order to fully understand His ways.

Just look at me, who would ever thought that a gurl like me who’s a 24/7 tigbak authority honorary member, Lung Center of Phils future # 1 stockholder, Miguel’s bestfriend (SMB), multi-lingual speaker (bad words), a typical pasaway, etc., is now paving my way to the Lord … let’s just say, I wanna invest just in the right things.

Living God's Will or Simply Leaving?

A couple of months ago, a job abroad was offered to me ... I didnt like the idea of leaving Manila because I dont wanna be away from my comfort zone; i dont know how to take the public transpo, i dont know how to cook, i dunno how to do household chores ... how about kobe?, my friends and family? what about my social life? gimmick and all that ... bloomfields! my VCF family, etc etc. Inspite of all those considerations, I went to my interview and gave it my best shot, of course I dunno wanna go home rejected! (ego, i guess). After all the other crazy antics of the company, I was told that I'll be leaving sometime soon ... and I felt sad! Weird! I guess, I'm just the only one leaving who wishes not to leave.

Ever since the beginning, I really didnt like the idea of me leaving Manila for 2 years, so I prayed to God and I asked Him whether or not the job is for me, whether or not it's really from Him or it's from the enemy. I asked Him to do such interventions in order to fully convince me on things, and to date ... hahaha! everything's seem to go well, I already got 1 of the interventions I asked, and I got a "go" message ... SAD!

Oh well, I guess I just have to learn how to fully embrace the fact that I'm leaving soon ... soon to the point that I may not be around for Christmas. Whether or not I like the idea of me working abroad, but since it's from God (not my will, but Your's be done!), I know for a fact that it's for the better .. that it's part of your plan for me (a future and a hope) ...

and because of that plan Lord, I will obey you and put my full trust in no one but You!

Music: Lead me Lord

missing cy!

you used to be the reason behind my laughter and smiles.

your voice is my sun, your laughter is my moon, and your eyes are my stars.

how wonderful those days were ..

i just dont know what happened that in a snap im feeling distant.

i miss you, but i dont want you to call me ..

i wanna see you, but i dont wanna hang out with you ..

i wanna hug you, but i guess, it's better this way :(

missing you ...

music: Swept Away

CMT

you arrived just in time,

or so it just a thought?

you showed me sweetness and kindness,

you make me smile and you make look forward to the coming hrs.

what is this all?

a crap or show ... is this for real, are you for keeps?

i tell you, better speak up now before it gets too late.

Music: Promise

By: KAI

toothache

love is like a toothache.

when one is suffering from a toothache,

the entire body gets affected.

while in love,

when something's not so good,

you wouldnt be able to funtion well ...

TOOTHACHE! :(

music: You Wont See Me (The Beatles)

one last

sandali na lang, lilisan na.

ilan tulog na lang, lilipad na.

konting panahon na lang para makapagsaya.

i've gotta take a few chances and a couple of risks...

one last chance to see you sing and dance,

one last chance to tell you the truth,

one last chance to hug you tight ...

one hi

one goodbye

and a ..

one big cry :(

kwento natin 'to!

Lumapit ako, nakipagkilala ka!

Nagrequest ako, nag-add ka!

Naglakad ako, lumapit ka!

Nagwave ako, nagtanong ka!

Nagbirthday ako, wala ka!

Bumalik ako, nag-invite ka!

Nagpakita ako, sumama ka!

Sa mga kaibigan ko, chumika ka!

Binuking ako, humalik ka!

Nasa harap ako, tumitingin ka!

Steady lang ako, nagpaiwan ka!

Tumayo ako, umakbay ka!

Andon ako, kay tita Anna ka!

Nag-tube top ako, nagtext ka!

Pauwi na ko, naghatid ka!

Sa kotse ko, nag antay ka!

Bumaba ako, nagpaka gentleman ka!

Nagconfide ako, nakinig ka!

Natakot ako, nagcomfort ka!

Dumating ako, natuwa ka!

Ano ba talaga??

TORPE!

Gitara

Gitara

Ano bang meron kayo at ako’y nagkakaganito?
Itchura’y matino, porma minsa’y sinto!
Sa gitara nyo ako’y nahuhumaling,
Pang ilan ka na, Diyos ko, limot ko na.

Sa tuwing nakikita ka, akoy tunay mong napapasaya
Limot na ang problema, wala na ang pagkaimbyerna.
Mukha’y di maipinta, tulala nanaman ang drama.

Una’y isang piloto, sumunod si paolo.
Pangatlo’y isang beho, di pa la kme talo!
Sumunod sila mike at angelo, ngayo’y barkada na kmeng tatlo.
Di naman papahuli sina Hijo at Poco, na super kung karirin ko.
Si Hijo na kamukha ni Kristo, isa din siyang kristyano.
Si Poco, ubod ng gwapo kahit siya’y mejo loko.
Andyan din sina Martin at Alex, mga gitarista … 2 sa mga X ko!

Tunay ngang nakakatuwang isipin ang kanilang mga angking galing
Ako ngayo’y napag iisip, ano nga ba meron ang isang gitara?
Ayan na sila, start na ang banda, hanggang dito na lamang, paalam na.


30 September 2007
2139 hrs
Inspired By: pox

Inspired By: Pox :)

BELIEVE

I’ve got nothing with me,
I’m like a soldier with no gun,
I’m on a journey
With nothing but the Lord beside me.

He told me to pray,
He asked me to wait,
He said “believe”,
It’s on its way!

Grace! Grace!
I’m excited.
I dunno how,
But I know, a miracle its gonna be!

Thank you God,
You never left my side,
Never an orphan, never ambandoned.
Always blessed, always a child of God.

Take it from me,
Turn to god, and be worry-free!

From A Distance

You know what, I didn’t like you the 1st time I saw you …

I was still crushing Jayjay then, hahaha!

But sometime June 07,

I dunno what strucked me to you that I just found myself staring at you.

BOOOM!! the rest is history.

A week later we became friends, now I’m really crushing you big time …

what do I get from this, nuthin I guess.

But I know this all will bear the greatest fruit …

I just have to believe and continue praying,

yes I know someday … one day … you and me … a couple we shall be!

From A Distance

Saw you from a distance,
Heard you from a far.
Met you up close,
Loved you from where you are.

Strum and pluck your guitar,
C’mon sing me songs
Louie, I like you, yes I do!

Dance to the beat,
And flash me a smile,
I’ll love you even if I don’t know why.

Wanna see you more,
Wanna know you more
Wanna be a part of you,
Will you allow me to?

Louie, oh Louie, my Louie …
An asshole, you may be,
Still, it’s you I’m praying for.
Pathetic, I may be,
Knock knock, the angel shall open the door.

Prayers, fasting and belief are my bullets,
One day, “coming soon”, a couple we shall be!