backbone

the more i get to see you, the more i miss you ... the more i long for you. but is there anything left for us to share? are we just gonna forever play mind games, read between the lines and dissect each posts?

you said you're moving on, but how come your actions are contrary to your claims? never the less, here i am, waiting in vain ... worse i dunno if there's a reason for me to wait ... yeah pathetic! we once talked about julia roberts' line in notting hill, and you asked me if there was ever a time that i uttered such, and i replied in the negative ... now lemme say it to you ...

"i'am also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to her"

(yeah yeah another pathetic move) .. pathetic it may be, but i'd rather give up my pride than forever lose you.

on the contrary, im thinking of rather placing you in my backbone instead of having you in my heart. why is that, it's for the main reason that if i once again place you in my heart, there's a chance of being wounded. but if i place you in my backbone, you will be my source of strength and it is because of you that i'm standing still ... you will be my foundation. no expectations, just the sincerest and the purest of loves, "love in the shade of blue". mushy as it may sound, but i know i'm making sense one way or the other.

i love you so much, and there's no doubt about it. if only i could turn back time, i know better this time. i dunno if you're my greatest love, i dunno if you're the one who got away ... but i know i love you ... i love you still, and you know that.

Langit ang Inabot

Gusto ko mang limutin ka,

Mahirap kung hanggang sa panaginip ikaw ang nakakasama.

Sa pag dilat ng aking mga mata,

Ngiti mo ang nasa isip ko sinta.

Sa tuwing nakikita ka,

Wala nang ibang nais kundi ang hagkan ka.

Kailangan ko na atang lumayo para makalimot,

Sa pag ibig na langit ang inabot.

Paumanhin sa aking gagawin,

Pero kung nais mong ako'y pigilin,

Wag mag atubili pagkat ikay di lilisanin.

Hanggang kailan tayo magpapanggap,

Sa mga taong chismis lang ang hanap.

Sa sandaling nakapiling ka,

Ako'y naging masaya.

O Diyos ko dinggin ang aking panalangin,

Na siya'y ibalik sa akin.

paalam

a poem by APSB, posted 21 July, 2011; around 11am on his FB account ........

Ok lang naman na di mo ko mahalin

Huwag ka lang mawala sa aking paningin

Napakalungkot kung ikay mawawala

Mundo ko'y wala ng sigla

Gayunpaman hiling ko sayo ay maging masaya

Makita at maramdaman ang tunay na ligaya

Sa puso ko ikaw ay nag iisa

Ng dahil sayo ako ay puno ng pag -asa

Ngayon pa nga lang miss na miss na kita

Gusto ng lumuha ng aking mga mata

Mahal na mahal kita aking sinta

Hanggang sa muli nating pagkikita

My Favorite Regret (Gigolo Aunts)

while i was driving my way to the family get together, i heard this song from the radio ... swak!!!!

Will you be my favorite regret,
Could I be your sweetest mistake?
Trade one step back for two ahead
Just a little time that's all
Don't be afraid to fall
This catch I won't forget,
My favorite regret.

Won't you let me chip away the stone
Are you really better off alone?
Won't you let your guard down one more time
Just like I've done mine
We'll look until we find something neither will forget
My favorite regret

My favorite regret

Will you be my favorite regret?
Cut the strings attached but save the thread
And I know your feelings are probably right
But just this once tonight
As you lay in your bed
Place a little on this bet
My favorite regret

Tonight

it's nearly a month since the day we broke up, but it was only last night that i really cried my heart out. it was so unexpected and i didn't know that i would cry that much for you ... i guess i really loved you and yes, i still do ... STILL!

Tonight (FM Static)

I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here...

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

i wanna transfer school ...

WANTED ISANG TAONG MATINONG KAUSAP!

(just like my dad ... sasabog na ko!)

:(

i went to work today wearing a white boyfie top, skimpy skirt, and a wedge ... a date outfit huh! i was planning to text this certain guy whom i used to date before i started law school (he's a lawyer), but then i remembered that i'm meeting this guy who i used to go out with sometime last year ... he some sortofa "courted" me but i just can't dig his music .. K-pop, whattha! hahaha

i was on my way, he was on his way ... he's late, he made me wait for like 2 hrs (thaf*ck!, goody i've got tons of things to do in the office), to make the long story short, i opted to call it off. one reason is time and the other one (which weighs more) is i just don't feel like seeing him ... i don't feel like going out with him ... have dinner and a few dwinks, nahhh, i don't feel like it. i may be mean for this, but i just didn't feel like it. not because i'm not ready to date yet, it's just the guy i guess. if it's gonna be "jerky", the lawyer, d*mn i can't wait to see him, hahaha!

oh well, let's see as to who the 1st guy i'll date after that sh*tty break up with popo ... ;) one thing for sure, it must be BEFORE the start school!!!!!!!!!!! haha :p

minsan ...

minsan sa buhay mo kailangan mo gumawa ng mga hakbang na labag sa iyong kalooban, minsan kahit ayaw mo pero dahil kailangan, gagawin mo. minsan hindi mo na nga alam ang tama sa mali. minsan kahit masakit, tatanggapin mo na lang ng pikit mata. minsan kahit sukang-suka ka na, sisikmurain mo pa rin. minsan dahil sa pera, minsan sa pamilya ... pero madalas dahil sa pag-ibig.

di ko pa alam, di pa sigurado ... pero sigurado akong gusto ko nang umalis. pero paano kayo, kayo iniisip ko ... mauulila nanaman kayo, ano bang meron sa inyo at iniiwan kayo? minsan na kong nalagay sa kinalalagyan niyo, alam ko mahirap at sinabi ko sa sarili ko na "walang iwanan". pero may mga bagay na hindi natin kontrolado na siyang nag uudyok sakin na lumisan na.

sana maintindihan niyo ko kung sakaling gawin ko nga yon. sana hindi niyo ko kamuhian sa desisyon kong lisanin kayo...

pasensya na, pero kinlangan ko lang gawin yon para sa sarili ko ... para maghilom ang mga sugat. pasensha kung pati kayo nadamay ...

inuulit ko, di pa naman sigurado. para sa mga hindi maintindihan kung ano pinagsasasabi ko, basta intindihin niyo na lang ako ... kainlangan lang talaga, para sa sarili ko ... patawad kung ngayon madamot ako.

in the deepest of shits!

love gives you the feeling of flying, love gives you a lot of reasons to smile ... also, love gives you that "hunch" feeling when things are on-going behind your back. for a month old relationship, things are supposed be on the sweety sweety moments but i guess mine was one of those who weren't blessed with such.

with the guidance of God, i know things will get better for me. as my friends say, "good riddance" ... im not sure if im ready to hear such statements .. oh well whatever it is, AJA AJA, i will conquer for i know i have Him in my heart and i know He listens and is just right on my side 24/7.

sigh, wish my dad is here ... dad i need your hugs and comforting words ....

the prayer

the prayer: dear God, please deliver me to someone who you think is worthy of me and of my love. deliver him to me if you think im worthy of this guy and of his love. this i ask in Jesus' name, amen.

we were strangers for the longest time ... though we're both aware of each others presence in school, no one ever approached the other, and no one even bothered to introduce us. During our victory party, we came face to face, sat beside each other and did a little chit-chats, but that didn't change things, we still went back to our old ways ... strangers!

during our oath taking as student council officers, we were busy

attending to our own worlds, but on the very same night we cracked the ice. we started making fun of each other over a photo, and that's how it all started. we went out with the group several times, until one day that it was just him and me hanging out.

... and one day, i found myself around his arms ... Alas, He delivered me to him, and him in my arms as well.

THANK YOU GOD!!!

fasting for APB

I remember sometime July I told myself that I don't think I'm ready to enter a relationship, with all those sh*ts from law school, nahhh I don't think so. It was then that I was dating this cutee guy, a real gentleman, a former TV personality ... we dated for quite sometime but due to the conflicts in both our scheds, it didn't worked out, it's all good though, we're still in touch :) Later on, I was introduced to this guy, this time a law student from AUSL. He's like 10 years my junior, he's cute and can relate to my present world (school), but then again since he's much younger than me, our wavelengths wouldn't meet; he's into these things, while I'm in the total opposite .. it's just law school that interests us both, no more, no less.

I was perfectly doing fine in my own little world - work, school, friends and home, until February 2011, when I was asked to run for student council, and so I did, it's a different story though. But it is then which opened the door for me and for this certain guy. We we're technically running under the same party, but we never got the chance to talk (was it purposely, I dunno), until the day the team went out for our victory party. We eventually became close friends in a snap .. people were shocked to actually see us talking and laughing together. He started to text me every single day and we eventually started having dinners and a few bottles together. We enjoyed each other's company, we were comfortable hanging out with one another; no pretentions, no what so ever, we were just being our selves.

One morning, as I raise myself from bed, I heard a voice whispered to my ear saying "marry him" --- DUHHH, as if we are together!?! A few weeks passed and I told myself that if we continue what ever it is that we are doing, I might fall for this guy. At first glance, he's not my kind of guy, na-uh!!! Yes, he's tall, but he's dark. He doesn't drive a car, and he's way different from the guys I've dated in the past. Yeah, he makes me laugh (literally) and I enjoy our sweet arguments and discussions, he's eloquent and he's smart .. still there are somethings that I can't take :( I did things that is so unlikely of me, I risk even my reputation ... now I'm confused, goody school is out.

Sometime last week, I asked him if we could "slowdown" a bit, he agreed and told me that he thinks that that would be better for me too since he's still dating someone (damn whatta jerk huhh). From that day on, we never spoke a word.

I miss him, a lot :( I started to pray and God gave me His words that I should pray for it. Gosh, I'm so lost, signs are vague ... I dunno if I should take his word and wait for him, or was he just crapping out with me when he said that. What about the Words of God, are they really telling me to pray for him and be patient on things, or is it just that I dunno how to discern? Sigh, I dunno. I have to get the answers out of praying, I've gotta do a lot of quiet time in order to decipher things. I've gotta apply the Christian way of getting answers from Him ... I've gotta fast, I'd probably cut down on my food intake, no red meat for the next few days, no alcohol and no cigarettes ... I've gotta discipline myself in order to hear God's voice. I know this will be hard, but I'd rather do this sacrifice and get answers than forever wonder what God wants me to do.

AJA AJA, I can do this, my questions will be answered. To end, always pray the Lord's prayer ...

new endeavor

A lot of people can’t believe that I’m in actually in law school, most of the people around me are shocked, and one way or the other doubting my decision why all of a sudden I’m into this thing … for them, this is just another kick of one of my “trips in life”. For the record, this law school thingy have been in and out of mind since high school days but since I ended up taking my college degree in Miriam, I’ve got no choice but to love the new world (envi) I was into. After college I practiced a profession which obviously is inline with my degree; as the others would say, I’m one of those lucky few who didn’t end up in another field. Thoughts of entering law school crossed my mind again, but since it would take me another 4 years in school, I took up a masters degree instead (at least yon 2 years lang). Then I met someone who happened to be a lawyer (who was then an aspiring politician); we were both attendees to an event in ELJ Tower and we’re both in the wrong lift, haha (olats). This guy together with his buddy encouraged me a lot to enter law school, “it’ll be great if you’ll enter law school blah blah blah” … this went on for yearssss! The idea kept on pondering on my mind, dad and I even had discussions about it; his conditions, advises and/or opinions.

After a few years I became close to a lady law student, she too encouraged me a lot to pursue law school, and all those 3 people gave me tips and advises. Finally, come mid 2009 I arrived into a decision that I will enter law school. And as a cherry on my ice cream, I dreamt of dad expressing his happiness that I will give it a shot.

I was both excited and scared on this new endeavor, people are expecting a lot from me (pressure ito), while there are some who were betting as to how long I can endure law school. Some say I wouldn’t be able to give up my social life which would lead me in quitting. To be honest, I, myself was having doubts as well, not about giving up my social life because I know I can discipline myself (it’s just setting what your priorities are, naxx) but because I have this notion that law school is gruel and hell (that’s actually one of the reasons why it took me a while to decide). Would I be able to manage the readings considering that I’m actually not a fan of it (except for the Harry Potter series) --- “reading”, a must in law school. Can I allot at least 4 hours a day to study (soo not me, pang 3 subjects na aralan na yan nung college, gosh!).

March 2010, a week before the campaign period I took the entrance exam in FEU (ang hirap ha, specially the math), the results were released Holy Week, I passed, YAHOO!! Next stage, interview and essay writing, PATAY! I was interviewed by the Assoc Dean of the Institute of Law and she was also the one who asked me to write an essay about “good leadership” chuva, and so I did. Later on, after a short discussion about my essay, she uttered “…and welcome to law school”, OH YES, SUCH MUSIC TO MY EARS!!! Law school, here I come!

15 June 2010, day 1, I took the MRT and LRT going to and from school (ayoko nang ulitin, haha). 17 June, day 2, assignment for our Crim class was posted in the bulletin board (ayos, di pa nagmi-meet may assignment agad at ang dami ha, exage!). 19 June, day 4 --- 1^st meeting for our Crim class, 3 studes were asked to step out of the room and all late studes weren’t allowed to join the class. As for us who were in class that morning, we weren’t allowed to take our seats until we got to answer his QUESTIONSSSS correctly, and so it ended with the entire class standing, WINNER! -- This is it, this law school, this is just the start and so I say to myself, “welcome to law school Jenz”!

3½ months passed and YES I survived the 1^st sem (I’m crossing my fingers that it’ll be with “flying colors”, well we’ll see when I get hold of my class cards). It was a combination of shits and smiles; a mixture of caffeine, cigarettes and a spoonful of p*t@ng in@s. Though the IL life may be gruelsome 24/7 and hell at times, I opt to continue this journey.

Law school is not for everyone, it’s for those people who have passion for reading (or those open to the idea that they’ll acquire the passion); it’s for those who have the strength to be humiliated at times by their power tripper professors; it’s for those who are willing to give up gimmicks in lieu of studying, beer for coffee, salary for tuition, etc; and it’s for those who are willing to spend another 4 years in school just to pass 1 long draining exam. A friend once told me, “in law school you’re not competing with your classmates, instead you’re competing with yourself “. In law school, “stress” is expressed while “fun” is implied.

Ituloy ang Laban sa pagbabago! (pagbabago?!? Hahaha)