are you for real

i met this guy thru the app "wechat", of course we chatted and then on the same night he called (still thru the app).  this guy claims to be a holder of a UK passport, according to him he moved to UK in 1995 and acquired the citizenship in 2001 (if true, definitely a turn on huhh).  he was born and raised in pakistan until such transfer.  also, he claims to be a manager for an oil and gas company in abu dhabi, according to him he handles other GCC countries as well, pretty big time, another turn on indeed!

per our conversation last night, he blurted out stuff regarding engagement and marriage.  he wants to travel to manila really soon, before he leaves to houston, texas in june 21.  he wants the engagement to be done while he's here (too fast isn't, WHY????).  his plan is that he could fly to manila or i could go to AUH while i'm still in school, but once i'm done, he wants me to live with him there (hell no, not again!!)

now my predicament is that, what if this guy is true?  what if his intentions are pure and sincere?  damn dude, i'm totally dead!!  i didn't expect things to be like this, i chatted because it's summer and i've got nuthin to be busy about most of the time.  am i ready to commit myself to him?  what about my dream of practicing law, of course i wouldn't put that into the drain, fyi, i spent 4 years and counting to be able to acquire that prefix and now this? of course not, i would only go to countries where i could practice law, like the US.  sigh, i dunno, right now all i'm wishing is that he's a fake, that he's a fraud ... that he's not a UK citizen and doesn't work as a manager, then i'll drop him like a hot potato.

but why is that, you might be wondering huhh ... coz with my experience in dxb, most pakistanis are laborers, drivers or sumthin that populates the lower rank of the work force pyramid.  if that guy belongs to that rank, then i would rather dump him asap, of course i want to have a bright future not just for me but also for my family, my future family.

well, well, well .... let's wait and see til i get hold of his passport, haha!  yes, i would definitely ask him to send me a copy of such document.  till then, ciao!

the girl ...

If you love her that much,

Then I see no point in holding on.

When the skies are blue,

But there’s nuthin true,

It’s crystal clear, we’re thru.

You must understand,

That I really didn’t want to leave,

But when all you get is hurting and pain,

You come to a point & realize you must love yourself and nuthin else.

You keep on tearing,

And you’ve got no one to wipe it off.

When all you wish is for him to hold your hand & hug you tight,

But no, you will not find him for he’s holding else’s hand.

It’s crazy that I have fallen,

Knowing you won’t get there.

And so I ask you,

What’s the use of holding on,

When you’ve got your number 1.

Probably I was trying so hard,

Believed that we’ll make it thru.

I tried to fight and didn’t listen to the world around,

But in return, things just seem to be a one way street.

Things got unfair, I only get a divided share.

So I realized they’re all right,

I must let go and drop everything.

Yes, I may be the GIRL, but I’m not just the girl for YOU.

23 oct, 2013; 1336H

Hugs, Kisses, and a Pray'r

if only i could stay,

but i opt to turn around and walk away.

if only i could be her,

bet the horizon wouldn't be a blur.

if only i could take your hand everytime you reach for mine,

i definitely would but not when she would whine.

if only i could be the gurl in there,

i know we would make a great pair.

foolish this is,

all is a mess.

smiling yet close to tears

i need company, a beer may be.

quitter i may be

i just cant bear the pain inside me

for now i would just whisper things to the air,

i would send you hugs, kisses, and a pray'r.

written @ 1819H, 18 oct 2013

#mikeRN #damnimhurting #saklap #angsakitsakitna #akonalangakonalangpls

Sent: 25 October 2013, 1828H

nga-nga

i was living my professional life not that of a distance from "them", we were minding our own businesses until 3 individuals, 2 of which are influential persons, spoke to me and asked me to join their team.  they gave me assurance that come what may, i have a work to support my schooling. 

may 13, 2013, election day.  "he" didn't make it to the top 6, worse he doesn't have any plans with regard to my work, in other words, he left me hanging, he left me in the middle and walked away - both figuratively and literally.

so, where do i go from here?  after sacrificing a job which gives me security for the next 6 years, here i am jobless and penniless.  

i learned the hardway.  after the results came out, all we talked about were the outcome of things, "their" plans for a victory outing, etc. but nuthin that concerns their plans for the staff.

now it makes me think, did they just took advantage of my capabilities and connection?  did they just took me in because there's no one else they could trust since everybody will be busy out of town?  ... sigh, nga-nga!

Thank You Dear God .......

i've been badly stressed these past few days, from the moment mom told me that she wont support my schooling financially -- WTF where in hell does she think could i get that sum of money?!?  so i was really burdened by it plus in a way i know she's undergoing treatment for her colon cancer.  since i was really desperate of raising funds to cover my tuition for this 1st semester, different thoughts crossed my mind, worse, the idea of joining MR's team was really contemplated upon, but of course that was last resort.  i tried to spoke with IL and check if there are any job vacancies, zero; i checked with BS for the same matter, he said he could check and come up with something for me (how nice of him huh); the thing with MR though i know that there is, and he's really eyeing me for the post was put on hold, as i said, last resort.

last saturday morning, our executive director called me and told me that i will be transferred to one of our offices and that i will no longer be working for BH, but instead ill be reporting directly to AH.  at first i was hesitant, really hesitant - from the field of envi to the field of legislative work, but of course i know sooner or later i've gotta face that field, that's branch of law anyways, until today came ..... the day set for a meeting with the new boss.  we discussed things very lightly in his office, he wanted me to report to work 3x a week, handle his legislative concerns and stuff pertaining to it, worse NO ADDITIONAL PAY considering the work load is a little heavier from my previous work load with BH.  but yet though there's no additional pay, i realized that i would take it the job, i'm still one lucky gurl for it is them who adjusts to my sched and not me to theirs, pretty cool huh!  where in this world would i get a boss who is fine with the idea that his legis ofcr would only report to his office 3x week, scattered 12 hrs in 3 days scattered depending on my school sched (9am-2pm; 9am-3pm; 9am-12nn), GOSH i'm blessed indeed.

now, back to the main issue of how in hell would i manage to produce that sum of money for my tuition?!?  the answer is FORGIVENESS and FAITH IN THE LORD.  again, yesterday's service was for me, it talked about children and parents, and that forgiveness is indeed the key!  and so i did, i sincerely decided to forgive my mom for all the pain and hurting she caused me, for whatever reasons she may have, it's all good, she's forgiven.  

going back to work issues, as ive said earlier, i realized that it'll be my loss if ever i would leave these team who are actually there to support me even in the simplest way they can, i know they care for me, that simpleng gesture of adjusting to my sched is one big deal, not all are given the same treatment.  so i went to mom and told her everything, i told i wanna keep this job and i wanna be with these people, but if i'll stay, i wouldn't be able to pay my tuition, i'll be needing her support.  i told her i dont want to stop or go on leave in school .... and to my surprise, yeah yeah she said a few sour statements but it's all good, what counts the most is that she will support me financially, YES!!!!!!!!!!! and for that, there's nothing more i could ask for, the problem is solved, God indeed answered my prayer.

and if there's a greater word than THANK YOU, i'd like to use that in saying THANK YOU GOD! AMEN!!!!!!!

parting the comfort zone

have you ever gone out of your comfort zone?  four years back, my father passed away and i've got no choice but to accept and embrace that sad reality.  he was my everything; he was there for me day in, day out; no one ever understood me the way he did; he knows me inside-out, but what i am to do, that's it for me and him.  disengaging myself from the arms of my father is the worst thing i've ever encountered in this life time, and from that moment on, i TRIED so hard to pave my way to my mother's heart ... to date, still no luck.

tomorrow will a remarkable day in the office, the politician boss is planning to transfer me from the field of environment to the field of law ...... am i ready for this, will i be able to perform the new duties and responsibilities that'll be expected from me?  will this be an additional work load or a totally new one? PLUS, the rate that i am currently receiving is not enough to perform the job, it requires more time in the office and it's more mentally challenging, if that will be the case, i would demand to receive an additional pay.  it would be unfair on my part if i get detailed as a legislative officer who is expected to report every single day in the office and prepare all communications, man the office, draft and/or explain legislative papers, et al .... uh oh, oxee glika, oxee!

after the meeting tomorrow morning, i think ill be heading the main ofc in order to lobby things with the politician boss, if i am not happy with the things, then it's time to talk to the lady politician boss and tell her everything, if she decides to take me and keep me in the district, then it's good .... i am definitely fine with that.  BUT if both politician bosses decides to make me the legislative officer without additional play, then i have no choice but to move out. it may not be a happy decision to leave but if it will put me to a disadvantage, then i have to do it in order to live my life and conquer my dream of becoming a lawyer.  

by then, i have to look for a new boss though i already have someone in mind, i still haven't spoken a word with him, im crossing my fingers that he would be kind enough to welcome me to his office.  and if he did, another parting from a comfort zone, this time from a politician friend who happens to be the number 1 rival of the politician whom i have in mind.

oh well, no parting will happen if only i get support from my mother ............... :(

9 months , now what?

i was almost there, almost there reaching my "i am done with you" stage until that phone conversation we had earlier.  i already started to entertain the "i am over you" thoughts and in fairness everything seem to be on track.  during our talks last march, you almost freaked out coz you sensed that the attention i was giving you was no longer the same.  we parted ways and opted not to be in touch, i was missing you but i managed to ignore it.

darn it, darn you ... why all of a sudden you again popped out and called? you were asking if i missed you, i said YES .. and i know the feeling's mutual ... but please, can we just stop whatever we have, i'm afraid i might fall, and i'm not far from it HONEST! 

as i was thinking about things after that call, i realized i'm not over you still, you're someone whom i like so much, someone whom i wanna love and receive love from.  we're 2 individuals which i'm sure that if only we met a couple of years back, things would have been so different :(  yeah, you're right that you're not married, but still it's not possible .... what a sad reality it is huhh!

i dunno if it's right to see you again, maybe if there are other people joining us, then it's fine, but if it's just the two of us, that i dunno.  i wanna see you, i wanna see those eyes and that smile ... but i need all the sanity in the world in order not to fall, i can't afford it ... it can't be!  yes, i will be teasing you and i know you will do the same, you will fall into my hook and what's next .... d*mn it, s-a-n-i-t-y come to me!

it's been 9 months now, and now what?  can you just please lemme go, stop flashing that smile, stop being sweet, stop looking at me, stop making pa-cute, don't wear  any of your barongs when you know we'll have a meeting ..... just do it, just stop!

sunday service; 18 march 2012

it was tuesday last week (if i remember it right) that i said to myself na babalik na ko sa service. masaya naman ako sa buhay ko, alam kong i have God inside my heart, contento naman ako sa mga pangyayari ... pero alam ko din na in a way lumayo ako sa kanya. iba-iba excuses ko sa sarili ko para di magservice, andyan yung umuulan, may gathering, nagtitipid sa gas, nag-aaral, laseng, nahihiyang hurap sa mga tao ... at ang pinaka matinding palusot (if the word is right) is yung natatakot akong bumalik sa service kze nung nagpa-concvert ako, in less than a year namatay tatay ko, tapos just last july nadiagnose si mudrax na may cancer, natakot akong mawalan nanaman ng magulang, iisa na nga lang, mawawala pa. but i know na all those excuses that i mentioned above are all lame, whatever may excuse was for that particular sunday all boils down to the fact na nagpatalo ako, hindi nanaig sa puso ko ang Diyos --- o-ha! ;)

until last monday, during that inuman session with 2 new tamaraw lawyers, one of them said na "law school made me rediscover God. matutoto kang magdasal sa law school, lalo na pag barrista ka". it strucked me, big time! tagos! kaya naisip kong panahon na para magbalik loob ako.

earlier today, it was raining .... ayun nanaman yung utak kong crooked sinabi na "pag hanggang mamayang hapon umuulan pa din next week na ko service", pero i guess God really wanted me to attend the service, He made the rain stopped. i was supposed to attend the 7pm service, until friends texted me and said na 5pm service na lang daw kme, ayun naligo ang bakla, nagbihis at gumora sa 5pm service. andon ang barkada, halos completo may mga dagdag pa. lahat sila natuwa when they saw me, they even reserved a seat for me, nasa 3rd row kme sa gitna, sa harap --- hanep! the Word was given by pastor dan, tagos! wagas! tinamaan ako ng bongga! naliwanagan akong lalo about don sa panaginip ko sa stairs (previous entry), sabi "God tells me my future despite of my past". pastor dan shared na with God, he paves your future, you have the option to stick with your past or listen to his voice chuva, basta i can't remember the exact statement, pero sumthin of that sort. ang galing, parang para sakin talaga yung Word, swak na swak, WAPAK to the highest level.

another good thing with these people is that they don't judge you; gaano ka man katagal na nawala, san ka man galing, ano man ang iyong ginawa, all of them are just there, waiting for your return :) ang feeling ko nga kanina ako yung sa "prodigal son", hahaha. basta ang saya lang, ang sarap ng feeling na andyan sila kahit ang tagal kong hindi nagparamdam, ang tagal kong nag busy-busyhan, buti nga si God hindi nagbi busy busyhan sa kin, God is indeed good!

ito na ang simula, babalik na ko ..... kitakits ulit sa linggo :) Thank You God!

there's no other way!

last night i had a dream. i woke up at 10 to 3(am) and i completely remember all details, obviously i went back to sleep and finally woke up around 10:30 in the morning and most of the details are gone :( d*amnit!

so far, all i could remember is that, i was with someone, an acquaintance or a stranger and we we're looking for sumthin that's why we went to look for it downstairs. whatever it is that i was looking for, i didn't find it so we headed back upstairs. --- that's all i could remember.

earlier, as i was trying my best to remember the entire dream, a part of me tries to interpret those that i remember and initially i didn't like what it meant, but as i try to go deeper, i finally got a very nice meaning plus some question were answered as well .... allow me to share ..........

--> the stranger may represent a friend or a plain stranger, the stairs represent may past. lately questions have been consistently bugging me and yes, it involves past activities. law school is getting tougher and tougher, survival of the fittest in a way. to correlate it with the dream, it simply tells me to move forward, the answers are all there, the future will answer them one by one. wherever i'am now, whatever it is i am doing, the dream tells me that i'm in the right track, move forward, CONTINUE and finish the race .... no looking back, i wont find the answers in my past ....... there's no other way but to move forward!

yes, there's no other way but to move forward and finish the race. who knows papa might be the one responsible for that dream, and that's what he wants to tell me .... NICE :)

another chance to us ...

hear i am, sitting infront of my laptop and blogging about this guy whom i met a decade ago, i'm pretty sure that this is not the 1st time i'll write an entry about him.

i dunno, but this time i'm much more surer of myself about him, this time i don't wanna let him go, this time i'm willing to be his girl and him to be my man. if he will pursue just like what he said earlier thru our exchange of text messages, then there's a big possibility that yes, it'll be us ... FINALLY!

let's wait and see, as of this moment, he's in subic with his family and will be back tomorrow morning. i'll send him a new year greeting later, hope he would reply, sana magcall sha, haha.

i'm crossing my fingers for this, i hope and pray that this time we're both sure of ourselves ... this is exciting, a long time overdue relationship is about to be given ANOTHER CHANCE! will we ever cross the bridge together? let's wait and see :)

happy new year to us all ;)

fine fine fine!! yes, i do miss him ... if that's what you wanna hear.

it's been a week now since i last saw the doctor. thing's changed since i started to give him a cold shoulder, then another blow a few saturdays back when i told him the reason why i'm so pissed with him .. but i came to his clinic last tuesday and we we're both happy to see each other, he invited me for lunch but i refused in order to accommodate other things on my itinerary. he gave me a call last friday, and last night, we were exchanging text messages, but i want more! i wanna see him, i really wanna see him ...

i know this is so unlikely of me, considering that i like him a lot, but would you believe that i never allowed him to held my hand, to kiss me hello and/or goodbye on the cheek, or even to hug me. he would always ask me for a "hello / goodbye" beso everytime we're together, or even to held my hand or he would sometimes say it aloud that he missed me, that he's happy to see me and gesturing his arms to hug him back .... but i never did so. the reason for this is that i'm afraid to have my feelings confirmed, i'm afraid to feel the electricity run thru my veins, it's weird and i dunno why i'm feeling like this towards him, 1st time to be like this, honest.

weird! really really weird, considering that he's not the 1st married guy whom i'm crushing, there's the hottest lebanese guy and the fiscal whom i kissed back after we've gone out for months ... but how come with him i am this hesitant? what's hindering me considering the fact that he's annulled? why am i acting this way? why am i pulling back myself on him? who is he? are my instincts telling me not to, or am i just being too paranoid?

questions. there goes another bunch of my questions. answers, there are no answers as of the moment :( now, how do i get the answers to my questions? will i get it by just sitting still or is there a need for me to let go of my inhibitions and let the universe do the rest?? sigh ...

my very own Sirius Black

if harry has sirius black as his god-father who loves him so dearly, i too have this god-father who loves me almost of the same level as my dad. it was only in high school that i learned that he's my god-father, he's a cousin of dad .. a younger cousin to be exact, and according to him, dad would often buy him a chocolate cake whenever he's around, he's dad's favorite younger cousin ... no wonder dad made him my god-father, and i thank dad for that.

i spent dinner with my sirius, together with tita (his wife), we had a fun and light night. it was really a bubbly night of laughter and reminiscing, towards the latter part, he said "you're always welcome to stay in our home, our doors will always be open for you". it strucked me and almost broke me into tears "of joy". i realized that though i may not be that much blessed with a mother's love, my father made sure that his love will be more than enough to compensate for what ever loss i may have .... and until now that love is overflowing and dad made sure that even when he's gone, there'll be someone from his end who will look after me no matter what, that there'll be someone out there who will remind me of dad's greatest love, and that will be my one and only sirius black.

he's the only god-father i know, though he came in late, it doesn't matter to me now, what is important is that he's here now and he's looking after me .... i know he's just a text away and i know he loves me like his own daughter. it's definitely not about the gifts he's giving me, just like sirius black to harry, he rarely gave harry a gift, except for the surprise broomstick, but the mere fact that i have a god-father in his person means so much, that he's such a loving god-father, tito and most of all, he's like a friend to me.

to my father, i know it was your decision to get him as my god-father, you definitely made the right pick. i love you soo much and i miss you so dearly.

to my dear sirius black, your love and so with that of your family is so overwhelming :) thank you very much tito for the shower of love and care! i love you.